heteronomy

heteronomy: refers to action that is influenced by a force outside the individual. Immanuel Kant, drawing on Jean-Jacques Rousseau, considered such an action nonmoral. It is the counter-opposite of autonomy. Philosopher Cornelius Castoriadis contrasted heteronomy from autonomy in noting that while all societies create their own institutions (laws, traditions and behaviors), autonomous societies are those in which their members are aware of this fact, and explicitly self-institute (αυτο-νομούνται). In contrast, the members of heteronomous societies (hetero = others) attribute their imaginaries to some extra-social authority (e.g., God, the state, ancestors, historical necessity, etc.). (From Wikipedia)

in other words, what society thinks is "normal."

Normal. Uck. There's a word I loathe.  For a long time I tried, even longed, to be normal, but after so many situations gone awry, I finally decided that heteronomy is not really my cup of tea. I enjoy self autonomy too much...or maybe I'm just too crazy to fit into the conformations of the masses.

That's not to say that I'm wildly different than other people in my community, our society.  It is to say, however, that I have a little more courage than most people, courage to be genuine and unabashed, even if it goes against the grain.

So, the other night at work, Macy's, a little boy of about 8 years of age came up to the counter with his mom and started talking about his life goals. Love it! He asked me to ask him what he was going to be when he grew up, so I asked and what did he say?...he said that he's "going to do Scentsy!" Double love it! In a world where selling home candle warmers falls on the woman's side of heteronormativity, it's refreshing to see a boy justify wanting to work in such a profession.  He went on and on about how his aunt sells Scentsy and how you can be your own boss and how he loves all the different scents and wants other people to love them too. The best part of this was that his mom seemed supportive and proud...grant it he's only 8, but still I think the world needs more people to encourage autonomy, even in the face of adversity. So right on! March to the beat of your own drum.


The one thing I wish I could have told that little boy is that sticking with his unique courage to be unabashed will prove difficult.  People will right you off as crazy, people will even pull away from you because what you stand for, what you like, think, and feel makes them uncomfortable.  These people will break your heart, will let you down, and might even bully you. I have firsthand experience.  Don't let it eat at you.  Being your own person, thinking for yourself is a scary and courageous thing.  Stick with it and you might just reshape heteronomy a little, making it easier for future generations.

Speaking of Scentsy, look at the adorable warmer I bought! 

daze

daze: (verb) to make unable to think or react properly; stupefy; bewilder

There have been few, if any, "stand-still" moments in my life. Perhaps, I experienced the first just this past week while in Winco. I was getting groceries, buying oranges, mixed nuts, Reese peanut butter cups, bobbing along in my own merry manner.  Caught in thought, whizzing down the laundry detergent aisle, nearing the end of regimented plastic Tide bottles, my intuition knew before my senses could perceive defeat and overwhelmedness.  In front of me was a man embracing a woman, the woman had a scarf around her head, no eyebrows.  She was a chemo patient, cancer had taken her life and emotions and turned them tipsy-topsy. I can't tell you for sure what the hug was about, but I do know that it was a hug of sorrowful solidarity, a hug of mutual exhaustion. When I saw them there, my world stopped spinning, everything frozen in a daze.  Stupefied, I just stared.

transfiguration

transfiguration: a complete change of form or appearance into a more beautiful or spiritual state. If you're religious, Christ's appearance to three of his disciples (Matthew 17:2, Mark 9:2–3, Luke 9:28-36)

Gawd! I don't mean to compare myself to Christ. In no way, actually, do I ever want to be compared to a spiritual body. Please, keep all your strange religious menageries, I want no part of them.

Instead I have doggies and derby love, and they are both a huge part of my most recent metamorphosis.  Things have changed, at the very least, transitioned.  For the first time in all my 22 years, I am having to do more than rationalize by external logic why I am doing what I am doing.   Let me begin, well I already have begun, but anyway, let me proclaim, rather, that playing derby is the first real thing I have chosen to do because it makes sense to me and only me.  No higher power, no societal standards, no emotional forces.  Just me and my own logic. 

So, as I wrote about earlier, I broke my ankle and without derby I realized that I was doing everything else in my life for no "real" reason.  I'm not talking about the "real" reasons you imagine.  Instead, I'm talk about genuine motivation that comes from the self and nothing else.  It's not because you have to get a college education, it's not because you have to pay your rent, it's not because it's your responsibility as a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a "high-functioning" adult.  It's because, well heck, you don't even have to say the reason.  No need to justify it to anybody else except yourself.  So, I changed and even cut all the things out of my life that I felt compelled to rationalize and explain to others. 

I got a new job, I ended a broken, no not just broken but rancid, relationship; I moved; I stopped sleeping, sleep never made sense to me anyway.  The last stronghold, though, is school.  For 18 years I have gotten straight A's and plugged through school because I had to, that's just what you're supposed to do, right?  Now that I am in a graduate program, this logic is broken.  I love my job and my career field and getting my masters is certainly a goal of mine, but why?  Why is a it a goal? Not what will it allow me to do in the future...but why is it important to me, and why is it important to me now?  I haven't discovered an answer to this pickle just quite yet.

I do know that I'll never have a mind-numbingly boring job again.  I do know that I'll never drive around the block not wanting to go inside my own home again.  I do know that I'll never stay in a relationship again just because it makes me feel "normal" or even worse "needed." Fuck being normal, fuck living by other people's standards.  Trying to live by other people's standards is not genuine, it's cowardice.  Live by your own standards, value shit because YOU value it. Own your life and how you live it.

So anyways, doggies and derby love...throughout this time of transition, I have been met with open and supporting arms from my derby family and their doggies!  Never could I have imagined that by being hospitable and welcoming me into their homes, hearts, and letting me bond with their children, furry or not, could my derby family have inspired such internal motivation, such genuine change and strides towards authenticity.  Thank you Highway and all the phenomenal women I skate with on TVR, you have no idea how you and how derby has effected me, no, better yet, how you have encouraged and fostered personal change.

barney

barney: Australian slang for a fight

I had the most wonderful conversation with a gentleman, or should I say bloke, from down-under the other afternoon. Him and his wife are visiting Boise (again) to catch up with old friends.  Apart from barely understanding most of what he said due to the mere fact that his ratio of slang words to actual English used was almost 5:1, I soaked in an overwhelming sense of ease.  He seemed laid back, as most individuals from that area are.  My life has been a giant spiral of stress these past few weeks, well years really. And despite the spinning tornado of chaos that encircles me now, I will smile and say, "apples, she'll be." 

I wrote the following poem on the drive to Provo, UT to help ease my nerves and reflect on the fact that I keep falling in love with assholes and how that in no way shape or form contributes to my sanity. Maybe I'm turning into a she-woman-man hater.  Anyway, I promise promise promise that I will catch up on posts.  My life is crazy stressed out busy lately. Sigh.

The Fight

por qué no sé
no sé por qué

mi amor
cállate por favor
por qué
porque

tu corazón falta
mi amor
tienes pajaros en tu cabeza
por favor
por qué
porque
siempre, tus ojos son cerrados
tu voz es en selencio

mi amor
ay, mi amor
mi amorcita
no me diga, "mi amorcita" por favor
no existen amor entre nosotros

por qué
porque

voy a salir
?hoy día?
no sé
por qué no sé
no sé por qué

Don't frown, even if you feel like death 

update- I think I added that last line in one of my crazy insomniatic spells, my goodness, the things I do when I am sleep deprived!

reincarnation

reincarnation: the rebirth of a soul in a new body, a person or animal in whom a particular soul is believed to have been reborn

I'm not sold on reincarnation, but boy is it a beautiful idea.  Today is my grandmother's birthday.  She would have been 83.  Every year she told us the same thing, "one day, I will come back as a bird and sit near your window and sing a song for you."  What a wonderful way to be reborn.  I bet she's a blue bird or a small chickadee, fluttering through the sky.  In her memory, we dined at Olive Garden tonight and went to the Humane Society to look at the furry animals.  I nearly took this heeler home with me...

Belle, if we didn't already have two doggies, she'd be mine.  Visit the Boise Humane Society to Adopt her today!

Grief is such a weird thing, it comes in the strangest waves.  I would give anything to have another conversation with my grandmother, thank her for practically raising me, tell her what an amazing woman she is.

Hmm. If I were to ever be reincarnated, I'd like to come back as something fast, something that feels the very real and tangible break down of life, none of this dying slowly stuff.  Roller skate wheels! I'd like to come back as roller skate wheels. Used, abused, and love to no end by derby girls everywhere, the perfect body to be reborn into. Speaking of roller skates, I tried mine on and rolled around the house tonight!!  I wasn't supposed to, I'm still broken, stupid ankle. Shh, don't tell my doctor.  It was invigorating, I can't wait to get back on the track and knock a bitch out :)

Treat Yoself!

"treat yourself:" fictional Holiday created by Parks and Recreation Characters, Donna and Tom

 
video owned by NBC. No copy rite infringement intended.

This weekend I visited K in Utah.  The drive was drop dead gorgeous.  Mountains live in Utah residents' backyards! We had a blast, always do.  K is such an amazing girl, I love her like a sister, she deserves the world.  Together, we deserve two worlds...and all their moons.

Anyway, we went to breakfast in our pj's in Provo, drove to Antelope Island and saw a bison, drove to the Bonneville slat flats and raced at 110 mph (I thought the car was going to explode, my heart was beating out of my chest, so much adrenaline), ate the bombest Mexican food in SLC, bought an obnoxious sweatshirt at the Heavy Metal Shop and gorged on too much V-day candy at Target. I'd repeat thesw past few days every week if possible! <3

Llamas at a gas station somewhere in SE Idaho

SLC's Heavy Metal Shop

SLC's The Red Iguana

Gambling in wentzville, nv

Bonneville Salt Flats

<3

Slat Lake and Antelope Island

Provo

adroit

adroit: clever or skillful in using the hands or mind

Competent, that was the theme of my Wednesday.  I installed a washing machine and changed the dryer duct, which I got free just for being cute and curling my hair this morning.  The delivery gave me his number too. Thank you genetics and thank you curling iron, even though you're half broken, both of you.  I also made croutons, gluten free croutons at that.  And I was craving chocolate ice cream, but the freezer was devoid of chocolate ice cream. Tragic. But alas, I found some coco powder, added it in and wha lah!  There is something so gratifying about making or fixing things with your own hands.

This remind me of by far the best find in all the Treasure Valley Area.  My new friend Ryan took me to this place called the Reuseum.  They do a more eloquent job of explaining themselves than I can, so just make the jump over to their website. As added incentive, I promise you robots!

abdicate

abdicate: (of a monarch) renounce one's throne; release responsibility or duty

I quite my job today! Two weeks notice submitted, new job at the Idaho State Archives as a Research Assistant and Territorial Project Archivist secured.  I wouldn't exactly call my old position a monarch, nor did I have a thrown (sad huh?), but I am indeed abdicating my duties as Technical Records Specialist.  Never again will I do a job that requires 10 hours of sitting at a desk, staring at a computer screen.  As happy as I am to make this change in my life, I do want to thank my coworkers and boss, I learned a lot from that position and from them.  It's simply that that job was tearing me down, eating at my soul.  Not sure how someone could do ten years there!  Well, at least I managed to squeeze in some fun. Like the time our HR lady said that my small picture of Betty Grable (a super mild pin-up from the 40's) was offensive and against office policy, so I printed out ten or so stickers of her and stuck them under all the cabinets, filing drawers, desks, and conference tables. Sneaky me.  Or like the time our network and internet went down and no one could do any work for nearly half a day, so I played with my camera phone...

the HR lady's office is right behind mine :)