anxiety

anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

Worry, worry, let it scurry.

I'm not sure where I heard this phrase first-- perhaps my Grandma, perhaps a Disney movie, both of which are big influences from my formative years. Regardless of the source, I wish the act were as simple as the phrase. It seems especially easy these days for me to go from 0 to 60 in less than a nano second; jumping to the completely worse and utterly most outrageous conclusion has become a true skill of mine.  It shouldn't be something that I'm good at, but I am and for surprisingly valid reasons.  And it sure shouldn't be something that the people I care most about have to deal with (sorry mom, sorry dad, sorry everyone I have ever dated), but lucky for them they get to sit there and try to tell me to "just breathe," when god knows this has and never will work.  Poor things.

Seems silly, but lately I've been using a tool called "the calm happy place."  When regulating breathing, counting, and rational thought fail me, I am to think of this place and it is supposed to ground me and bring me back to the present, away from these escalated, and quite frankly, ridiculous concerns of mine. It's sort of a classy way to say, "fuck you emotions!" So what's my clam happy place?  Well, I thought about it for a long time, but the one that works the best comes from a memory of clamming in the Puget Sound.  Muck-boots or weighters on, cold foggy air, tree-lined sky, early gray morning, eating a doughnut, pressing my booted toes firmly on the sand to see where each bugger has hunkered down and buried itself in the wet, murky water, sounds of light weaves crashing far off the shore, smell of salt and evergreen. This is my calm happy place.  Another one that works well is me skating on the smoothest and longest board walk ever in existence. Calm. Happy. Places.

Visit nataliedee.com!!

As a last hoorah, I will say that my emotional state has swung in vast angles of opposition over the past few years. Starting as an oak with branches rigid and stiff, ending as balsa wood, soft and weak, I am working to become a willow balanced, rooted, strong, but flexible, and just the perfect amount of tangled, complex, and messy.

So maybe it's less, "worry worry, let it scurry," and more, "worry worry, process it, react, calm down, be balanced."

Lol.

barney

barney: Australian slang for a fight

I had the most wonderful conversation with a gentleman, or should I say bloke, from down-under the other afternoon. Him and his wife are visiting Boise (again) to catch up with old friends.  Apart from barely understanding most of what he said due to the mere fact that his ratio of slang words to actual English used was almost 5:1, I soaked in an overwhelming sense of ease.  He seemed laid back, as most individuals from that area are.  My life has been a giant spiral of stress these past few weeks, well years really. And despite the spinning tornado of chaos that encircles me now, I will smile and say, "apples, she'll be." 

I wrote the following poem on the drive to Provo, UT to help ease my nerves and reflect on the fact that I keep falling in love with assholes and how that in no way shape or form contributes to my sanity. Maybe I'm turning into a she-woman-man hater.  Anyway, I promise promise promise that I will catch up on posts.  My life is crazy stressed out busy lately. Sigh.

The Fight

por qué no sé
no sé por qué

mi amor
cállate por favor
por qué
porque

tu corazón falta
mi amor
tienes pajaros en tu cabeza
por favor
por qué
porque
siempre, tus ojos son cerrados
tu voz es en selencio

mi amor
ay, mi amor
mi amorcita
no me diga, "mi amorcita" por favor
no existen amor entre nosotros

por qué
porque

voy a salir
?hoy día?
no sé
por qué no sé
no sé por qué

Don't frown, even if you feel like death 

update- I think I added that last line in one of my crazy insomniatic spells, my goodness, the things I do when I am sleep deprived!

beef

beef: a problem, complaint, or grudge

p.s. my roommate just came home with another guy (another toothbrush, that's how I can tell for certain).  I've stopped trying to call them by the correct name.  Anyway.  This reminds me, I've been meaning to complain IN GENERAL, AT LARGE, TO EVERY GIRL WHO HAS EVER GIVEN ME THAT EVIL LOOK.  I've been meaning to complain that it's not my fault that all your boyfriends hit on me, it's not my fault that your husband never told me he was married until I met you, it's not my fucking fault that your fiance said he loves me in the wrong sort of way, it's not my fault that my ex is now your ex and for some ridiculous reason you are angry at ME...it's not my fucking fault. No wonder the one person I've ever loved is a moron who gives genuine attention like a cold, heartless rock.

It's not my fault.

p.p.s I need to stop blogging about heartbreak :P

"if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me"

"if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me": song lyric from Mirah, off her album C'mon Miricale

content courtesy of chaosrah on youtube. I do not own this video.

My mind is a vortex of spinning cognition and introspection. Never stopping, never slowing. It's at its worse when my thoughts get so loud that they proceed in a shouting match with one another. There's a screaming opera of voices in my head right before I sink, sink into a hole, spinning downward, buried beneath my thoughts like a pile of dirt slowly crumbling over my body, compressed under a heavy and pensive elephant sitting on my chest.

If I think too much, I can think myself straight into a panic attack. I wish anxiety on no individual. You honestly feel as if you are dying, as if there is nothing you can do. The harder you try to calm down, the more you try to halt thinking, the worse it gets.

Don't get me wrong, I love thinking. I have a very complex inner life. More rich than, probably, most people's day to day lives. My brain is a crazy place. But sometimes, in rarity, I long for a quite mind.

Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Mirah. Her music makes my mind quite. She sings the words I am already thinking, so my mind just stops, listens, lives. There is no reason to think when the thoughts are being passed through your brain by another. Maybe this is why hypnotist have jobs and commercials tell you to "buy, buy, buy" and we obey.

Anyway, with this influx of thinking, I've realized that I haven't written in a long while. So, I packed my notepad and have been frantically scribbling and scrawling these past few days. Word vomit, some may say. This has helped, my mind may not be completely quite, but it has turned the volume down. My brain is quite enough now to realize that, frankly, "if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me." This you, thye may not know who they are, but I do.

I wrote this, these are my thoughts. I am secure and safe now, and wish you were too. You'd at least, then, have the courage to live your life unabashed.

So.

QUE PENA

quality is a trait I stopped searching for once you choked the suss out of my curiosity.
ugly is the more I see, the closer I get.
ending is my tolerance and compassion, the pity you deceived your way into guarantee.
please leave me alone. I need coping, I need to lament my losses and gasp for the air that has long vacated my livelihood while buried beneath grand and lofty egos.
everything is frigid, chilled.
no air colder to breath, ice crystals stab my esophagus and consume my lungs, freezing my heart frigid and numbing my head into a solid stone of slush.
again
no, I can't do this again.

exterminate

exterminate: to get rid of completely usually by killing off

why are there beetles everywhere in my house? I am not okay with this. no one invited them. they were NOT invited! in an effort to extinguish the beetles, I bought a plastic iguana, but he has been ineffective at eating the beetles. this is either because he is plastic or because iguanas are herbivore. I'm not sure which.

Theodor the Iguana. I was going to take him to work, but he looks so content on my desk at home.

Seriously though, we finally got screens from our landlord, but the bug problem has just worsened. I always joke that someday the ants are going to take over the entirety of Boise because there are so many ant hills here-- one for every crack and crevice it seems-- but now, I think my comedy is turning into a deep and tragic reality.

slippery slope

slippery slope: (also known as thin edge of the wedge, or the camel's nose) a classic form of argument, arguably a fallacy, that states that a relatively small first step inevitably leads to a chain of related events culminating in some significant impact, much like an object given a small push over the edge of a slope sliding all the way to the bottom

I had the weirdest dream...

I was following Loss Prevention people around a department store, and we spotted a girl with long blond hair.  It didn't appear as if she was stealing anything, but I kept yelling at the Loss Prevention people, "Shoot her in the foot, Shoot her in the foot!" Suddenly, Kathy Griffin showed up and informed us that shooting anyone in the foot was an unethical gesture, a slippery slope even, leading to a life of violence.

really? a slippery slope!

inured

inured: to accustom to accept something undesirable

to all those inured to war...

On the one hand, I'm sitting here this morning, comfortably eating my cereal and typing thoughts of free speech thanks to you. But as I swirl my spoon round the snow-cold milk and watch my words and uneaten Cheerios dance round the bowl, I recall all your pain and how it trickles down. You've affected my life in ways I never before imagined.

so for the things you do, that others can't. for the shit you've been through.

happy veteran's day.

let's just say...

let's just say, today I licensed a man named Atticus Finch for reality work (read To Kill a Mocking Bird much?) and almost quit my job because of my moral opposition to the audit I am running. Bleh.

snow day (in September!)

snow day: when an institution, operation, or event is closed, canceled, or delayed as a result of inclement weather conditions, i.e. there's too much snow to go to school! a concept that, apparently, if you live outside the North West you don't understand. also my favorite day of the year (better than any holiday)!

okay, although it didn't actually snow, today is a virtual snow day! This morning my COMM 301 class was canceled and my work supervisor called in sick. So...SNOW DAY!!! I'm going to take this moment to relish all the free time I have. I think I've forgotten what free time is though. Free time? What is that? I guess I will find out as my day unfolds.  And of course, I'll keep you posted.

update 9/16/10 4:47pm: my day has since consisted of studying for the GRE (seeing that's only a month away as of today. scary!), watching random t.v. shows on hulu, and skating around my building out of boredom. woah, do I know how to suck the progress right out of a day. maybe I'll take a nap now. mmm. tempting.

 
update 9/16/10 9:15pm: I chose a new desktop picture for my computer...it's the coolest. Abe Lincoln in fisticuffs with Sasquash. better yet, I'll just show you >>>


p.s. did you know that Abe Lincoln is the only agnostic president of the U.S.? Props to him, he's slowly starting to supplant/supersede Teddy R as my favorite president. 

rink rash

rink rash: bruises, contusions, red burn, scrapes, scratches, etc. that a skater gets after falling while playing roller derby.

you can see my toes in the bottom left corner!

tonight I pulled on my skull and cross bone socks, laced up my skates and hit the rink for derby practice. It was invigorating! I'm glad I can now confidently say that if I ever fall down again (in derby and in life), I'll just get back up, skate with furry after whoever made me fall, and punch them in the face, then later on I'll brag about the giant bruise that now adorns my thigh...seriously it looks like China or maybe Yogi Bear if you tilt you head to the left. p.s. I am such a dork "hi my name is Monique, I wanna be a Librarian, I play roller derby, and get excited about things like breakfast cereal and having my thesis nominated for honors status"

anything with a sticker of Elvis get my approval

demolition derby

demolition derby: my life's ambition (or at least one of them). no really, demo derby is a motor sport with rules varying depending upon the event, but typically demolition derbies consist of five or more drivers competing by deliberately ramming their vehicles into one another. The last driver whose vehicle is still operational is victorious!

possibly the most entertaining demo derby event is BOAT RACING! This event is considered a "banger race", where drivers have both a vehicle and a boat attached without trailer, they then race around the track trying to annihilate as much as possible along the way. And don't worry, if you loose your boat, you can always push one around. 

Saturday night we took my nieces to the Meridian Speedway to see my friend Gill drive in said event.  It's funny, my two-year-old niece loved everything about the night.  Every time a loud hit happened, she'd turn to me with wide eyes and purse her lips together saying, "ooooh!" But my six-year-old niece, the bigger one, was terrified the entire time.  I don't think she likes loud noises. Anyway, Gill had a couple of epic spins, but burned out quickly.  For sure I'll bake him some cookies to cheer up!  There was once talk of doing so in exchange for a tattoo, but I'll do it sans tattoo now.  During the race my sister leaned over our shared nachos and insisted, "Monique, you should text Gill!"  And I responded, "I think of all the times to text and drive, now would be the least appropriate time to do so."  We both started laughing hysterically.  Soon after the race ended we decided that once Alby's car goes to the clunker gods (it's getting there) we're going to paint it pink and then enter a demolition derby! Raaaawr!! sorry, I really felt like growling. Demolition derbies will do that to you.  You'll walk away wanting to destroy something, anything really.  I just ended up vigorously ripping apart a post-it note I found on the bottom floor of my car, Hulk style.

perfect! I've been wanting an excuse to use this old political cartoon from the last presidential election. Now seems fitting...

knuckle sandwich

knuckle sandwich: slang term for a punch

Trent agreed to let me punch him tomorrow (don't even ask why). i'm excited! i've never punched anyone before, except for once during a step aerobics class...but that was an accident. i swear.

so I took the initiative to look up how to punch someone online and came across this super cool video.

update 7/29/10- I should have fucking punched him when I had the chance.