mercurial: characterized by rapid and unpredictable changeableness of mood; of, relating to, containing, or caused by mercury
I once vowed never to blog about my love life. Ha. Ha. Ha ha ha ha. Well, that ship has sailed! Now...
You all know that I've had flowers sent to me, breakfast made, but it's never really seemed as genuine as the past few weeks. Then BAM! Out of nowhere, we hit one speed bump and nothing, nada, zero, zilch.
Oh these mercurial signals, this hot and then cold behavior, they are hard for me to understand. I am, for the first time, angry at such a situation because no mater how much I think about it and about his reasoning and his situation, know matter how many times I've been through this before, I just get frustrated. Wish I could just snap my fucking fingers and fix everything, but the more I push, the more they pull, when pushing to me is just a small nudge of encouragement, it probably comes off as a giant shove. Damn, I'm tired of walking on eggshells and being the one who has to be patient.
Ha! I was over at Gill's house this weekend talking about all these sorted affairs and he echoed the rules that Nick made for me some four years ago...
1. If you see a man in uniform, run the other fucking way*
2. If that man says he isn't interested in punk rock, run even faster
that's not saying that military men are bad people, they've just been bad for me in the past. Apparently, I make them feel things they're not prepared to feel, that's the best way I can describe it. Woah, that makes me sound bat-shit-crazy. Shrug.
Anyway, funny thing, yesterday I was talking to Amy at work. Just chit-chatting away, when she started talking about this guy she was seeing. She said that they had been casually dating for about three weeks in August and that things were going great...they had a marvelous time together, grant it he seemed a little clingy (sent flowers, made her picture the backdrop on his phone, introduced her to his fam and friends, called her "his girl" all in the first two weeks), but she gave him the benefit of the doubt and plugged right along. When out of the blue, he stopped talking to her completely! Just plain old gave up. Lol. I chuckled and asked if perhaps we were dating the same guy. We weren't, but it's nice to know that other people are passengers in the same shitty boat. Misery loves company.
Moral of this sorted affair, "I'll bring home the bacon if you bring home the turkey." Please be patient with me, and I will reciprocate, trust me when I say I need consistency and will never be anything short of real with you, even if you end up running in the other direction, hands failing in the air, and I'll trust that you might return to my life. I guess I'd rather love with everything I have, be scary vulnerable, than tuck my tail between my legs and hide behind a cold shoulder and "picky-ness."
9/24/12
9/23/12
heteronomy
heteronomy: refers to action that is influenced by a force outside the individual. Immanuel Kant, drawing on Jean-Jacques Rousseau, considered such an action nonmoral. It is the counter-opposite of autonomy. Philosopher Cornelius Castoriadis
contrasted heteronomy from autonomy in noting that while all societies
create their own institutions (laws, traditions and behaviors),
autonomous societies are those in which their members are aware of this
fact, and explicitly self-institute (αυτο-νομούνται). In contrast, the
members of heteronomous societies (hetero = others) attribute their
imaginaries to some extra-social authority (e.g., God, the state,
ancestors, historical necessity, etc.). (From Wikipedia)
in other words, what society thinks is "normal."
Normal. Uck. There's a word I loathe. For a long time I tried, even longed, to be normal, but after so many situations gone awry, I finally decided that heteronomy is not really my cup of tea. I enjoy self autonomy too much...or maybe I'm just too crazy to fit into the conformations of the masses.
That's not to say that I'm wildly different than other people in my community, our society. It is to say, however, that I have a little more courage than most people, courage to be genuine and unabashed, even if it goes against the grain.
So, the other night at work, Macy's, a little boy of about 8 years of age came up to the counter with his mom and started talking about his life goals. Love it! He asked me to ask him what he was going to be when he grew up, so I asked and what did he say?...he said that he's "going to do Scentsy!" Double love it! In a world where selling home candle warmers falls on the woman's side of heteronormativity, it's refreshing to see a boy justify wanting to work in such a profession. He went on and on about how his aunt sells Scentsy and how you can be your own boss and how he loves all the different scents and wants other people to love them too. The best part of this was that his mom seemed supportive and proud...grant it he's only 8, but still I think the world needs more people to encourage autonomy, even in the face of adversity. So right on! March to the beat of your own drum.
The one thing I wish I could have told that little boy is that sticking with his unique courage to be unabashed will prove difficult. People will right you off as crazy, people will even pull away from you because what you stand for, what you like, think, and feel makes them uncomfortable. These people will break your heart, will let you down, and might even bully you. I have firsthand experience. Don't let it eat at you. Being your own person, thinking for yourself is a scary and courageous thing. Stick with it and you might just reshape heteronomy a little, making it easier for future generations.
Speaking of Scentsy, look at the adorable warmer I bought!
in other words, what society thinks is "normal."
Normal. Uck. There's a word I loathe. For a long time I tried, even longed, to be normal, but after so many situations gone awry, I finally decided that heteronomy is not really my cup of tea. I enjoy self autonomy too much...or maybe I'm just too crazy to fit into the conformations of the masses.
That's not to say that I'm wildly different than other people in my community, our society. It is to say, however, that I have a little more courage than most people, courage to be genuine and unabashed, even if it goes against the grain.
So, the other night at work, Macy's, a little boy of about 8 years of age came up to the counter with his mom and started talking about his life goals. Love it! He asked me to ask him what he was going to be when he grew up, so I asked and what did he say?...he said that he's "going to do Scentsy!" Double love it! In a world where selling home candle warmers falls on the woman's side of heteronormativity, it's refreshing to see a boy justify wanting to work in such a profession. He went on and on about how his aunt sells Scentsy and how you can be your own boss and how he loves all the different scents and wants other people to love them too. The best part of this was that his mom seemed supportive and proud...grant it he's only 8, but still I think the world needs more people to encourage autonomy, even in the face of adversity. So right on! March to the beat of your own drum.
The one thing I wish I could have told that little boy is that sticking with his unique courage to be unabashed will prove difficult. People will right you off as crazy, people will even pull away from you because what you stand for, what you like, think, and feel makes them uncomfortable. These people will break your heart, will let you down, and might even bully you. I have firsthand experience. Don't let it eat at you. Being your own person, thinking for yourself is a scary and courageous thing. Stick with it and you might just reshape heteronomy a little, making it easier for future generations.
Speaking of Scentsy, look at the adorable warmer I bought!
9/18/12
wend
wend: to direct one's course; travel, proceed
Mike, his dog Lennon, and I went hiking on one of the ridge to river paths Sunday morning. It was breathtaking. We wended up the golden hills. Never gets old, having such gorgeous nature just minutes outside the city. We went to Addies for breakfast afterward. And as delicious as my corned beef hash was, I would have rather stayed up in the foothills for the rest of the day. I wish I had taken my phone or camera just so I could capture the view. I stole this one from another blog...
Beautiful! You can see the entire city <3 Next time, maybe we'll bike it.
Mike, his dog Lennon, and I went hiking on one of the ridge to river paths Sunday morning. It was breathtaking. We wended up the golden hills. Never gets old, having such gorgeous nature just minutes outside the city. We went to Addies for breakfast afterward. And as delicious as my corned beef hash was, I would have rather stayed up in the foothills for the rest of the day. I wish I had taken my phone or camera just so I could capture the view. I stole this one from another blog...
Beautiful! You can see the entire city <3 Next time, maybe we'll bike it.
space
space: a continuous area or expanse that is free, available, or unoccupied; a cowardly request when shit gets real...
Trix are For Kids
Silly Rabbit, happy endings are for people who deserve them
Silly Rabbit, good things like fathers and the ability to digest ice cream are for people who matter
Silly Rabbit, people like us, we get psychotic breaks before the age of 30, susceptibility to abusive relationships, and the ability to wallow in self pity
Oh Silly Rabbit, when will you ever learn
Start hopping fast, because you're burning all your bridges even faster
Trix are For Kids
Silly Rabbit, happy endings are for people who deserve them
Silly Rabbit, good things like fathers and the ability to digest ice cream are for people who matter
Silly Rabbit, people like us, we get psychotic breaks before the age of 30, susceptibility to abusive relationships, and the ability to wallow in self pity
Oh Silly Rabbit, when will you ever learn
Start hopping fast, because you're burning all your bridges even faster
9/17/12
daze
daze: (verb) to make unable to think or react properly; stupefy; bewilder
There have been few, if any, "stand-still" moments in my life. Perhaps, I experienced the first just this past week while in Winco. I was getting groceries, buying oranges, mixed nuts, Reese peanut butter cups, bobbing along in my own merry manner. Caught in thought, whizzing down the laundry detergent aisle, nearing the end of regimented plastic Tide bottles, my intuition knew before my senses could perceive defeat and overwhelmedness. In front of me was a man embracing a woman, the woman had a scarf around her head, no eyebrows. She was a chemo patient, cancer had taken her life and emotions and turned them tipsy-topsy. I can't tell you for sure what the hug was about, but I do know that it was a hug of sorrowful solidarity, a hug of mutual exhaustion. When I saw them there, my world stopped spinning, everything frozen in a daze. Stupefied, I just stared.
There have been few, if any, "stand-still" moments in my life. Perhaps, I experienced the first just this past week while in Winco. I was getting groceries, buying oranges, mixed nuts, Reese peanut butter cups, bobbing along in my own merry manner. Caught in thought, whizzing down the laundry detergent aisle, nearing the end of regimented plastic Tide bottles, my intuition knew before my senses could perceive defeat and overwhelmedness. In front of me was a man embracing a woman, the woman had a scarf around her head, no eyebrows. She was a chemo patient, cancer had taken her life and emotions and turned them tipsy-topsy. I can't tell you for sure what the hug was about, but I do know that it was a hug of sorrowful solidarity, a hug of mutual exhaustion. When I saw them there, my world stopped spinning, everything frozen in a daze. Stupefied, I just stared.
9/11/12
manifesto
manifesto: a public declaration of policy and aims, esp. one issued before an election by a political party or candidate
When did it become an undesirable trait to have your shit together at a young age? Or to be intelligent. To use big vocabulary words and know their meanings. To think philosophically and be open to new ideas? When did it become a bad thing to be genuine and unedited. To dress provocatively, but still be classy. To live with intensity, to feel and think with wholehearted and full-bodied emotion and reprise. To be yourself? I don't know, but these are questions I keep asking.
Hi, my name is Monique, but you can call me Lemon or Mo'$ or Meekers. I am one fucking crazy, intense, educated, beautiful, emotional, real bitch. I call out hypocrisy and bullshit, I cry over crap that is important to me, I am sarcastic until the point of being a douchebag, I curse a fuck ton, I am a dirty, yet elegant, whore. I over think everything, I listen to my music too loud and ask too many questions, I jump to the worst conclusions and say that I don't like hugs or shrimp when I really do, I seek out organized chaos and rampant zen. I am not a follower, I make my own path, even if that means the risk of foolish and painful failure. Upon meeting me, you will think that I am quite, demure, reserved, a perfectionist. This is true some of the time. I value and work towards balance. Upon knowing me, you will think that I have lost all my marbles, and have a marvelous natural high. So long as you show me respect and consistency, trust that I have a good reason for everything, and be your true self, I will reciprocate. Also, bribes of sugar and sparkles wouldn't hurt. If I give a big enough shit, I will be nothing short of genuine, loyal, honest, and sweet to you. But you have to tell me if/when I am being a fucking intense cunt. Lol. If you want to know something or have anything to say, just ask, just speak, I will listen. I will not compromise myself, but I can be fiercely flexible. I am the storm before the lull, and this is my manifesto.
When did it become an undesirable trait to have your shit together at a young age? Or to be intelligent. To use big vocabulary words and know their meanings. To think philosophically and be open to new ideas? When did it become a bad thing to be genuine and unedited. To dress provocatively, but still be classy. To live with intensity, to feel and think with wholehearted and full-bodied emotion and reprise. To be yourself? I don't know, but these are questions I keep asking.
Hi, my name is Monique, but you can call me Lemon or Mo'$ or Meekers. I am one fucking crazy, intense, educated, beautiful, emotional, real bitch. I call out hypocrisy and bullshit, I cry over crap that is important to me, I am sarcastic until the point of being a douchebag, I curse a fuck ton, I am a dirty, yet elegant, whore. I over think everything, I listen to my music too loud and ask too many questions, I jump to the worst conclusions and say that I don't like hugs or shrimp when I really do, I seek out organized chaos and rampant zen. I am not a follower, I make my own path, even if that means the risk of foolish and painful failure. Upon meeting me, you will think that I am quite, demure, reserved, a perfectionist. This is true some of the time. I value and work towards balance. Upon knowing me, you will think that I have lost all my marbles, and have a marvelous natural high. So long as you show me respect and consistency, trust that I have a good reason for everything, and be your true self, I will reciprocate. Also, bribes of sugar and sparkles wouldn't hurt. If I give a big enough shit, I will be nothing short of genuine, loyal, honest, and sweet to you. But you have to tell me if/when I am being a fucking intense cunt. Lol. If you want to know something or have anything to say, just ask, just speak, I will listen. I will not compromise myself, but I can be fiercely flexible. I am the storm before the lull, and this is my manifesto.
let's just say...
I cannot sleep, so I am (attempting to) bake bread.
No joke. This is happening!
Update, two hours later: bread turned out more like a glorified biscuit or flavorless muffin, but if I have learned anything at all in this short life of mine, it is that everything warm tastes good with butter on it!
I may have made whipped cream too...this was a mistake. So, one failed (wheat free, mind you) bread recipe and a bad tummy ache from all that lactose and sugar later, and I am still wide awake. Rosco (our small yorkie) on the other hand is looking at me sleepily, "like WTF, bitch? We are supposed to be sleeping right now. This makes no sense." Bless his little heart. I should probably clean up the kitchen and try to get to sleep one last time.
sweet dreams? If you can have them.
I should change the name of this blog, to "shit an insomniac girl writes at 3 am in the morning."
second update 9/13/12: Sweet success is mine! I tried my hand at the bread recipe again and all went perfectly! It tasted so delicious I ate both loafs in 48 hours!! Lol.
yum!
No joke. This is happening!
Update, two hours later: bread turned out more like a glorified biscuit or flavorless muffin, but if I have learned anything at all in this short life of mine, it is that everything warm tastes good with butter on it!
I may have made whipped cream too...this was a mistake. So, one failed (wheat free, mind you) bread recipe and a bad tummy ache from all that lactose and sugar later, and I am still wide awake. Rosco (our small yorkie) on the other hand is looking at me sleepily, "like WTF, bitch? We are supposed to be sleeping right now. This makes no sense." Bless his little heart. I should probably clean up the kitchen and try to get to sleep one last time.
sweet dreams? If you can have them.
I should change the name of this blog, to "shit an insomniac girl writes at 3 am in the morning."
second update 9/13/12: Sweet success is mine! I tried my hand at the bread recipe again and all went perfectly! It tasted so delicious I ate both loafs in 48 hours!! Lol.
yum!
9/9/12
foreshadow
foreshadow: a warning or indication of (a future event)
False Foreshadows
Your arms, tattooed tangles
My thoughts still mangled
Confidence embraces me
But maybe this isn’t the key
Lying here, pretending that everything’s okay
Not willing to spend the price these emotions ask me to pay
I can only see the end
Knowing, one day I might never see you again
False Foreshadows
Your arms, tattooed tangles
My thoughts still mangled
Confidence embraces me
But maybe this isn’t the key
Lying here, pretending that everything’s okay
Not willing to spend the price these emotions ask me to pay
I can only see the end
Knowing, one day I might never see you again
9/6/12
let's just say...
let's just say...
don't test me, I will fail
all I really need is consistency
late night tv cures almost anything
don't test me, I will fail
all I really need is consistency
late night tv cures almost anything
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)