resolution

resolution: in chemistry, the process of reducing or separating something into its components

It's New Year's Eve and I'm sitting here, staring at my laptop, having convinced myself that everyone already knows what the word "resolution" means, especially around this time of year. To most, resolution means expansive lists of vague goals to accomplish, stuff to obtain, ways to improve, things to do! But let's trash that. Let's throw that hum-drum definition in the filthy garbage.

I like the way the field of chemistry defines resolution instead. It's far better than, "a firm decision to do or not to do something." Oh no, chemists are not into firm decisions, oh no no they are not. Chemists are all about the process. Chemists take an item, a composite, a mixture of something they already know and have, and they reduce it, separate it down into it's most basic components. Now this sounds like a much more fitting definition, a much more evolved way to approach resolutions in the coming year.

I like it! I'm going with it!! Mainly because over the last few years, I have been struggling to achieve, achieve, achieve lofty and unattainable goals. And instead of achieving I've spun my wheels, ending up with half-baked resolutions, plans, things, stuff, what have you. Muddling along, I have come to know intimately what the end products, mixtures and composites are, primarily because I often live preoccupied with the future and forget to relish the most basic components of the present. So, this year, I would like to resolve all that I have been working towards and instead know every small piece and part that makes up my end products just as intimately as I know the products themselves.

To chemistry!

lallygag

lallygag: to spend time idly; loaf

I haven't written in a long while (lollygaged even), and the only person to blame is myself. Shame! Below are some poems from my analog notebook that I decided to type up. Maybe it'll get the ball rolling again. Two of them are a little bleak, the poems, that is. But they were also written at deep and meaningful moments of pain. Best time to write, if you ask me. Keeps things fresh, raw even. Pardon the food metaphor. Okay, anyway, here it goes...

When the path gets bumpy

everyone gives up on you eventually

your heart, your hurt
too cumbersome to carry

tonight he chose beer pong and bimbo blondes over me
tonight he called me impossible and stormed out the door
a cloud of single dollar bills hovering above his head,
raining down stripper glitter and drunken disdain

tonight he tried to chase fantasies that neither of us will ever catch
tonight he laughed at me
my face full of mascara-streamed tears and dog-tired despondency

eventually, you give up on everyone

Favorite Thing

chocolate covered peanut, floppy bat ears,
white trick paw, stinky little dog breath
you are my favoritest thing in the entire colossal universe
knee-crook warmer, lip gloss thief, ice cube fiend
you lick the slat from my sweat, the hurt from my tears
front door bolter, chin rester, blanket burrower, acrobat
you are an unconditional ray of sunshine and delight,
a blinding beam of mischief and mini mayhem
sneezy mc sneezerson, yeast drunk drinker,
slightest small noise growler, lover of dirty panties
you're the funniest little dog I have ever met
Roscoe Pete, Roscoe Pico, Pico de Roscoe,
Roscoe Peterson Mamani the third
I dedicate this poem to you

Chunks

this must be what losing yourself feels like

curled up on the bathroom floor
a lump balled up in the back of your throat
ready to be hurled onto that cold yet calming porcelain rim
and willing to stain your nicest pair of black satin pumps
the ones with the bow on the toe
the ones that you once loved so deeply

chunk by chunk
your personality
gone

chunk by creamy chunk
your uniqueness
gone

rainbow colored bile
spewen away
your sparkle diminished

just takes one last drive heave
and all your being is gone
you're a blank slate
empty
ready to stand up
to wipe the mess from your chin
willing to straighten your tightly clinging dress
and join the rest of the party

this feeling must be what yourself once lost

relationship

relationship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I suck balls at relationships. Sometimes literally. Ha, ha, hahaha. No, not that funny. That was in poor taste even. Lol. Anyway, the more I suck at them, the more I learn, surprisingly. Silver lining! And with learning comes knowledge, enough to create some basic rules.  It's taken me a lot of energy and patience to quell my anxieties, cope with depression, and allow myself to be vulnerable and still feel safe, to invite ambiguity and still have a sense of security. Along the way I wrote out some rules in order of importance.

1. Take responsibility for your own happiness
2. Follow the golden rule (mutual respect and consideration)
3. Be reliable (be punctual, follow through on promises, make good on my word, give a reason to be trusted)
4. Admit mistakes (apologize with humility, commit to change, ask for gentle help)
5. Be realistic (there will be bad days, work through them, accept conflict, work towards resolution, ask yourself if the relationship is benefiting you AND your partner, if "no" leave)
6. Listen (be empathetic, give non-judgmental advice when asked)
7. Show affection in multiple ways (think 5 love languages)
8. Be loyal (but not jealous, possessive, don't push buttons)
9. Don't hide anything, don't lie (don't fear loss, be yourself, be vulnerable)
10. Give some space (respect boundaries, but vocalize your value of transparency and know which lines, if crossed, are red flags, also know your own boundaries)
11. Express feelings and communicate needs (but do both without ultimatums and offer realistic solutions)
12. Encourage and support (don't judge, state your opinion as no more valid than another point of view)
13. Devote quality time over quantity
14. Practice forgiveness, compromise, give the benefit of the doubt
15. Laugh (but also make clear things that you take seriously)
16. Be a better communicator (don't use direct language- instead of "you should" try "I would really value if you" -say please and thank you, fight fair/take turns talking and listening, never yell, if he yells request a calmer attitude, find/request the right time to talk "strike while the iron is cold," show open body language, but don't send mixed messages, make eye contact, use your hands, enunciate, slow your speech, medium volume, ask questions/clarify, don't make assumptions, be optimistic)
17. Fight your own demons (when depressed or anxious…notice what you're thinking or feeling, but don't act, tell him "I care about you a lot, I'm just feeling a little disconnected tonight, my mind is doing weird things right now" and "let's not go into it, my head is a little twisted and overwhelmed right now, if there is something we need to talk about, let's do it when I'm feeling better/calmed down," ask for help when appropriate)
18. Be on the same page (but also appreciate and make an effort to understand differences, agree on rules and actions for long term goals, financial planning, parenting style, sharing chores, etc.)

gest

gest: a tale of adventures, a romance in verse; adventure, exploit

Astronauts get to experience the ultimate gest, a trip into outer-space.  Their travel seem so daring and romantic, and above all awesome.  I came across this video and had to share.

Holy cow, how cool is this. I regret not going to space camp. Lol. I wonder what other things are like in space...eating, sex, etc. Hmm.

fleur

fleur: french for flower

I got a new job...again. Lol.

But this one is different than the others.  After a big change in my master program, my professional goals have shifted.  I now work at Rose and More Inc, a wholesale floral company.  My day consists of  ordering, purchasing, shipping, billing, and delivering flowers, plants, and floral hardgoods to the intermountain west. I'm constantly learning about local and global flower growers and growing DIY design/arrangement skills. We sell to florists, nurseries, caterers, event planners, net-10s, school, churches, grocery store, and non-profits. And! I can bring the doggies to work. I like this industry a lot, it ties into some of my favorite past work experiences, like helping at Aunt Karen's shop, or creating wreaths at Safeway Grocery, or watering trees at the Home Depot Garden Center, or touring the orchid and rose farms in Ecuador. Hooray for liking your job :)

Some of my creations...

body mod

body mod: is the deliberate altering of the human body for non-medical reasons

I want to declare...

Just because I have tattoos does not make me an less credible than someone without tattoos.
Just because someone has gauges does not make them less intelligent than someone without gauges.
Just because someone has piercings does not mean that they are less considerate than someone without.

And this doesn't just apply to body modification, if someone wears a dastar (or turban) it doesn't mean they're a terrorist, it just means they are Sheik, likely.

Just because a woman wears a short skirt, doesn't mean she's a slut, "welcoming it," or unprofessional, just means that she lives in the 21st century.

It's not what's on the outside, but what's on the inside that matters.

It's amazing to me how outdated and bigoted some organizations and individuals can be.

soliloquy

soliloquy: an act of speaking one's thoughts aloud when by oneself or regardless of any hearers, esp. by a character in a play

I promise you I am not dead, just merely tied up by all these damn engagements (work, school, germs, taxes, boyfriend, derby, derby, derby, and so forth).  Recently, I find myself thinking aloud...