gale

gale:  a strong current of air; a wind from 32-63 mph; an outburst of emotion

without courage

hurry
hurry
horrible
hurricane
rips right through me
my soul torn
like the sharp shards of the broken green grass
like the last strand of dignity dangling
threads from a tattered dish rag, used, past due
waved in violent winds
wet hands, soiled
wiped on a kitchen apron, frilly chills
your warning, I could not hear
over the greying grumble of my insanity, your instability
muted all possibilities
loomed into doomed darkness, depression
I drift away, spinning into middle Midwest tornadoes,
realizing that this is the last poem I'll ever write about you
hope you're happy

--
So last night I had a nightmare where I was moving into an apartment that was attached to an ex's house and I had to get through the house to get out or into my apartment, but I couldn't find the exit and in the meantime my ex traversed about with a myriad of other women. I hate you, stupid relationships and all the stupid baggage you leave behind.

So, then I woke up in a sweat and was wide awake for the rest of the night.  To make good use of my time I listened to some Frightened Rabbit and wrote some poems. I hate you insomnia.
--

topsy turvy

I see sets of 8 circles rolling round and round,
across cold concrete sky,
my cheek is pressed, frozen to the piercing atmosphere
a hit and a miss,
telecasted hipcheck highlighted
hung-over, like a rag-doll, someone flaps upward, toward the flat track,
her fishnet rips, cross-hatched black seeps open to reveal bruised yellow-purple polka dots
edged by pink flesh,
the wind whips my face, steam from a pack of sharks rolling invisible circles around fresh meat,
the florescent lit floor sparkles, polished bare,
a bald man's head in black and white stripes
light flickers through wheel hubs of neon green and bright blue,
my head throbs, my ribs ache,
tweet tweet tweet tweet!
one deep, stabbing breath and I've muster the courage to turn the entire world upside down,
everything rotating, slowly
back onto my toe stops, two steps
and the jammer line beckons my return
welcome to the world of roller derby

transfiguration

transfiguration: a complete change of form or appearance into a more beautiful or spiritual state. If you're religious, Christ's appearance to three of his disciples (Matthew 17:2, Mark 9:2–3, Luke 9:28-36)

Gawd! I don't mean to compare myself to Christ. In no way, actually, do I ever want to be compared to a spiritual body. Please, keep all your strange religious menageries, I want no part of them.

Instead I have doggies and derby love, and they are both a huge part of my most recent metamorphosis.  Things have changed, at the very least, transitioned.  For the first time in all my 22 years, I am having to do more than rationalize by external logic why I am doing what I am doing.   Let me begin, well I already have begun, but anyway, let me proclaim, rather, that playing derby is the first real thing I have chosen to do because it makes sense to me and only me.  No higher power, no societal standards, no emotional forces.  Just me and my own logic. 

So, as I wrote about earlier, I broke my ankle and without derby I realized that I was doing everything else in my life for no "real" reason.  I'm not talking about the "real" reasons you imagine.  Instead, I'm talk about genuine motivation that comes from the self and nothing else.  It's not because you have to get a college education, it's not because you have to pay your rent, it's not because it's your responsibility as a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a "high-functioning" adult.  It's because, well heck, you don't even have to say the reason.  No need to justify it to anybody else except yourself.  So, I changed and even cut all the things out of my life that I felt compelled to rationalize and explain to others. 

I got a new job, I ended a broken, no not just broken but rancid, relationship; I moved; I stopped sleeping, sleep never made sense to me anyway.  The last stronghold, though, is school.  For 18 years I have gotten straight A's and plugged through school because I had to, that's just what you're supposed to do, right?  Now that I am in a graduate program, this logic is broken.  I love my job and my career field and getting my masters is certainly a goal of mine, but why?  Why is a it a goal? Not what will it allow me to do in the future...but why is it important to me, and why is it important to me now?  I haven't discovered an answer to this pickle just quite yet.

I do know that I'll never have a mind-numbingly boring job again.  I do know that I'll never drive around the block not wanting to go inside my own home again.  I do know that I'll never stay in a relationship again just because it makes me feel "normal" or even worse "needed." Fuck being normal, fuck living by other people's standards.  Trying to live by other people's standards is not genuine, it's cowardice.  Live by your own standards, value shit because YOU value it. Own your life and how you live it.

So anyways, doggies and derby love...throughout this time of transition, I have been met with open and supporting arms from my derby family and their doggies!  Never could I have imagined that by being hospitable and welcoming me into their homes, hearts, and letting me bond with their children, furry or not, could my derby family have inspired such internal motivation, such genuine change and strides towards authenticity.  Thank you Highway and all the phenomenal women I skate with on TVR, you have no idea how you and how derby has effected me, no, better yet, how you have encouraged and fostered personal change.

cordate

cordate: heart-shaped

And now, from our favorite astrologist, Rob Brezny, I bring you my morning's reading...

He says, 'I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or potential Valentine: "I'm looking for a free yet disciplined spirit I can roll down hills with on sunny days and solve thorny puzzles with when the skies are cloudy. Can you see the absurd in the serious and the serious in the absurd? Are you a curious chameleon always working to sharpen your communication skills? Might you be attracted to a sweet-talking wise-ass who's evolving into a holy goofball? Emotional baggage is expected, of course, but please make sure yours is organized and well-packed. Let's create the most unpredictably intriguing versions of beauty and truth that anyone ever imagined."'

love it! I feel like he lives in my head sometimes, it's uncanny.

let's just say...

I just spent 5 plus hours watching lectures on this site...

Ted Talks

woah. brain on overload.