"I'M FAMMMMMMOUS!"
This is how I answered the last phone call between Nick and I. On his drive back to Eugene he hooked his droid phone up to the radio and BAM! I had my own talk show. Best. Thing. Ever.
8/31/11
on my mind...
I cleaned out my hard drive last night, only to realize that most of my life is anthologized by playlists and mixed CDs. So I went to Office Max down the road from my house, bought a bunch of blank discs and started burning! If I get the courage, I think I'll mail these to all the people who have inspired them. So, T and Nick and Jen and Rob, the list goes on, if you get a randmon massive amount of CDs, don't panic! Just listen. That's my moto lately. DON'T PANIC, JUST LISTEN.
original content owned by the Fruit Bats
I hate biting my tongue. Probably can't do it for much longer, I apologize in advance.
original content owned by the Fruit Bats
I hate biting my tongue. Probably can't do it for much longer, I apologize in advance.
8/29/11
here's the question...
why is that patience trumps impatience?
We're always told slow and steady wins the race and good things come to those who wait, and blah, blah, blah blity blah. I've been trying to listen to this "societal advice" for nearly my entire life. Not any more! the next time someone insists that I be more patient, I am going to tell them that THEY OUGHT TO hurry up and be more IMpacient!
We're always told slow and steady wins the race and good things come to those who wait, and blah, blah, blah blity blah. I've been trying to listen to this "societal advice" for nearly my entire life. Not any more! the next time someone insists that I be more patient, I am going to tell them that THEY OUGHT TO hurry up and be more IMpacient!
firecracker
firecracker: an idiom meaning a very intense, lively, and outspoken individual; spitfire
I must place a disclosure at the start of this post...the words below are not aimed towards anyone other than one specific individual, and it's probably close to a 99.99% chance that you are not that person. Despite this, please feel free to read on.
So last night, meh, I forgot to mention one thing while under the dim lights of Sonic, sitting across from your small skeleton on that cookie-cutting red bench which left imprints of evil ovals on my thighs. I forgot to inform you that you're the one who made the biggest assumption of them all. You assumed I was okay, silly really.
Que poem.
Firecracker
I am not like you
your face all smugged together,
vapidly dribbling, "pain's not necessarily a bad thing...
drifting through life is the right thing to do"
fuck that shit,
I never want to live my life like that again
if it comes to it,
I will make all things messy and difficult
I will feel, but not wallow
I will live with intention, and not suffer
I will be a wild whirlwind
I will swing my wreaking ball right into your heart
smash it into a trillion tiny flecks of ruby red
you will feel my wrath
you will have no choice but to bow in my presence
as I sweat sugary seven-7-up-sprite
and stomp in giant puddles of hyperactivity,
splashing you and all your pathetic lambs with exhalation and a natural high
I will firecracker through your life like an electric storm of
glittery gold and fiery yellow,
sprinkling down onto your skin,
seeping-in like the creeping ash and the flickering sting of a cigarette burn
I will not be compromised.
I must place a disclosure at the start of this post...the words below are not aimed towards anyone other than one specific individual, and it's probably close to a 99.99% chance that you are not that person. Despite this, please feel free to read on.
So last night, meh, I forgot to mention one thing while under the dim lights of Sonic, sitting across from your small skeleton on that cookie-cutting red bench which left imprints of evil ovals on my thighs. I forgot to inform you that you're the one who made the biggest assumption of them all. You assumed I was okay, silly really.
Que poem.
Firecracker
I am not like you
your face all smugged together,
vapidly dribbling, "pain's not necessarily a bad thing...
drifting through life is the right thing to do"
fuck that shit,
I never want to live my life like that again
if it comes to it,
I will make all things messy and difficult
I will feel, but not wallow
I will live with intention, and not suffer
I will be a wild whirlwind
I will swing my wreaking ball right into your heart
smash it into a trillion tiny flecks of ruby red
you will feel my wrath
you will have no choice but to bow in my presence
as I sweat sugary seven-7-up-sprite
and stomp in giant puddles of hyperactivity,
splashing you and all your pathetic lambs with exhalation and a natural high
I will firecracker through your life like an electric storm of
glittery gold and fiery yellow,
sprinkling down onto your skin,
seeping-in like the creeping ash and the flickering sting of a cigarette burn
I will not be compromised.
8/23/11
"if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me"
"if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me": song lyric from Mirah, off her album C'mon Miricale
content courtesy of chaosrah on youtube. I do not own this video.
My mind is a vortex of spinning cognition and introspection. Never stopping, never slowing. It's at its worse when my thoughts get so loud that they proceed in a shouting match with one another. There's a screaming opera of voices in my head right before I sink, sink into a hole, spinning downward, buried beneath my thoughts like a pile of dirt slowly crumbling over my body, compressed under a heavy and pensive elephant sitting on my chest.
If I think too much, I can think myself straight into a panic attack. I wish anxiety on no individual. You honestly feel as if you are dying, as if there is nothing you can do. The harder you try to calm down, the more you try to halt thinking, the worse it gets.
Don't get me wrong, I love thinking. I have a very complex inner life. More rich than, probably, most people's day to day lives. My brain is a crazy place. But sometimes, in rarity, I long for a quite mind.
Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Mirah. Her music makes my mind quite. She sings the words I am already thinking, so my mind just stops, listens, lives. There is no reason to think when the thoughts are being passed through your brain by another. Maybe this is why hypnotist have jobs and commercials tell you to "buy, buy, buy" and we obey.
Anyway, with this influx of thinking, I've realized that I haven't written in a long while. So, I packed my notepad and have been frantically scribbling and scrawling these past few days. Word vomit, some may say. This has helped, my mind may not be completely quite, but it has turned the volume down. My brain is quite enough now to realize that, frankly, "if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me." This you, thye may not know who they are, but I do.
I wrote this, these are my thoughts. I am secure and safe now, and wish you were too. You'd at least, then, have the courage to live your life unabashed.
So.
QUE PENA
quality is a trait I stopped searching for once you choked the suss out of my curiosity.
ugly is the more I see, the closer I get.
ending is my tolerance and compassion, the pity you deceived your way into guarantee.
please leave me alone. I need coping, I need to lament my losses and gasp for the air that has long vacated my livelihood while buried beneath grand and lofty egos.
everything is frigid, chilled.
no air colder to breath, ice crystals stab my esophagus and consume my lungs, freezing my heart frigid and numbing my head into a solid stone of slush.
again
no, I can't do this again.
content courtesy of chaosrah on youtube. I do not own this video.
My mind is a vortex of spinning cognition and introspection. Never stopping, never slowing. It's at its worse when my thoughts get so loud that they proceed in a shouting match with one another. There's a screaming opera of voices in my head right before I sink, sink into a hole, spinning downward, buried beneath my thoughts like a pile of dirt slowly crumbling over my body, compressed under a heavy and pensive elephant sitting on my chest.
If I think too much, I can think myself straight into a panic attack. I wish anxiety on no individual. You honestly feel as if you are dying, as if there is nothing you can do. The harder you try to calm down, the more you try to halt thinking, the worse it gets.
Don't get me wrong, I love thinking. I have a very complex inner life. More rich than, probably, most people's day to day lives. My brain is a crazy place. But sometimes, in rarity, I long for a quite mind.
Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Mirah. Her music makes my mind quite. She sings the words I am already thinking, so my mind just stops, listens, lives. There is no reason to think when the thoughts are being passed through your brain by another. Maybe this is why hypnotist have jobs and commercials tell you to "buy, buy, buy" and we obey.
Anyway, with this influx of thinking, I've realized that I haven't written in a long while. So, I packed my notepad and have been frantically scribbling and scrawling these past few days. Word vomit, some may say. This has helped, my mind may not be completely quite, but it has turned the volume down. My brain is quite enough now to realize that, frankly, "if you felt good inside, you wouldn't be so scared of me." This you, thye may not know who they are, but I do.
I wrote this, these are my thoughts. I am secure and safe now, and wish you were too. You'd at least, then, have the courage to live your life unabashed.
So.
QUE PENA
quality is a trait I stopped searching for once you choked the suss out of my curiosity.
ugly is the more I see, the closer I get.
ending is my tolerance and compassion, the pity you deceived your way into guarantee.
please leave me alone. I need coping, I need to lament my losses and gasp for the air that has long vacated my livelihood while buried beneath grand and lofty egos.
everything is frigid, chilled.
no air colder to breath, ice crystals stab my esophagus and consume my lungs, freezing my heart frigid and numbing my head into a solid stone of slush.
again
no, I can't do this again.
8/22/11
here's the question...
why does Howie Mandel seem so familiar?
...oh that's right! It's because I used to watch Bobby's World religiously when I was little.
and so that's what I'm doing with my day off, being anti-social and watching Bobby's world on youtube.
...oh that's right! It's because I used to watch Bobby's World religiously when I was little.
and so that's what I'm doing with my day off, being anti-social and watching Bobby's world on youtube.
8/20/11
ruminate
ruminate: to think deeply about something, to mull over, to chew the fat
DO NOT PANIC!
I have not died.
I have just gotten a new job, drafted to a roller derby team, had a small mental breakdown, dealt with family and man drama, broke a rib, and so on and so forth. All of this has lead me to ruminate a bit longer on my writing. I have lots of posts in progress and promise to upload content soon.
Trust me, I need it as much as you do...I'll leave you to expand upon the meaning of "it." philosophically, of course.
we're ruminating, we are. we really are. cross my heart. pinky promise.
DO NOT PANIC!
I have not died.
I have just gotten a new job, drafted to a roller derby team, had a small mental breakdown, dealt with family and man drama, broke a rib, and so on and so forth. All of this has lead me to ruminate a bit longer on my writing. I have lots of posts in progress and promise to upload content soon.
Trust me, I need it as much as you do...I'll leave you to expand upon the meaning of "it." philosophically, of course.
we're ruminating, we are. we really are. cross my heart. pinky promise.
8/18/11
8/13/11
swag
swag: promotional items, especially when given free, considered as a group; slang for stolen property.
"Do not fear, we need not steal this remarkable and coveted memento," Nichole said. "Besides, Alisha's not wearing enough clothing for us to hide it under," I added. "And just in case we forget where we got this bucket full of cheap beer from, we can look on the side and read SOUVENIR- MERIDIAN SPEEDWAY. Gawd I love 'merica."
Gill drove again in the annual boat race demolition derby. We came to watch and support. He did surprisingly well. Last year his car engine crapped out on the third lap and someone stole his boat. But don't mention it, he's still a little heartbroken. This year though, he did a fantastic welding job and his car was decked out in beautiful artwork, hand-crafted by all your favorite/loveable local tattooist from Inkvision in Boise, ID. Ahh, how I love them so.
At any rate, we had a magnificent time and even after losing his boat, Gill was able to weld on another one, reenter the race and finish third or so. I talked to him yesterday and no one is more gung-ho for next August.
Oh ho ho Kendall, you are good people.
"Do not fear, we need not steal this remarkable and coveted memento," Nichole said. "Besides, Alisha's not wearing enough clothing for us to hide it under," I added. "And just in case we forget where we got this bucket full of cheap beer from, we can look on the side and read SOUVENIR- MERIDIAN SPEEDWAY. Gawd I love 'merica."
Gill drove again in the annual boat race demolition derby. We came to watch and support. He did surprisingly well. Last year his car engine crapped out on the third lap and someone stole his boat. But don't mention it, he's still a little heartbroken. This year though, he did a fantastic welding job and his car was decked out in beautiful artwork, hand-crafted by all your favorite/loveable local tattooist from Inkvision in Boise, ID. Ahh, how I love them so.
At any rate, we had a magnificent time and even after losing his boat, Gill was able to weld on another one, reenter the race and finish third or so. I talked to him yesterday and no one is more gung-ho for next August.
Oh ho ho Kendall, you are good people.
8/8/11
draft
draft: to draw or pull, to take by selection
Collapsed on the cold concrete floor, in front of the open warehouse door and big box fan, I panted in slow motion. Ah-huh. Ah-huh. Clear, round stars buzzed around my eyes. A blurry outline of Rae floated above me. Or maybe it was a Muppet or an alien. She tapped my helmet and said, "4:09." That's nice. I didn't comprehend what was said until Barbie, not the plastic kind, handed me my water and I took a sip. 20 laps in 4 minutes and 9 seconds AND IN 90 degree heat! I am proud to say that, not only did I pass my draft laps, I also shaved ten seconds of my total time.
This was just the beginning. The following weekend I passed my rules/skills test and endured a brutal league scrimmage. I've skated every day for the past three months and have yet to miss a single league practice; hard work surprisingly pays off. Ha! so cliche. But oh...so...true. In all honesty, I have never felt more welcome and supported than the moment I was invited to join the Treasure Valley Roller Girls as a league skater this past Sunday. I have and will continue to learn fantastical things from all the women and refs that I skate with. No words can describe the feeling of euphoria and accomplishment that has overcome me.
The only thing I can do is lace up skates and relish the moment.
p.s. please help me figure out a skate name
here are my ideas...
Molten Molly
Malicious Mabel
Lemon Harangue Pie
Reese S. Smash'Emtopieces
Who Clair S.
Gorange Sickle
Nancy Hurl (for all you librarians out there)
Ruby Not So Slow Ho (for any Rancid fans)
my family and close friends are driving me mad. they keep suggesting names that other skaters already have (http://www.twoevils.org/rollergirls/). As great as June CartHer Smash is, SOMEONE already has that name.
update: after input on facebook and a suggestion/heated debate with a fellow skater, I have chosen to call myself "Lemon Harangue Die" #3.14
neeeerdy, just the way I like it
thanks Barreta!
xoxox
-Lemon
 |
| that's me in the camo |
 |
| this was taken by the talented and beautiful Rooster |
Collapsed on the cold concrete floor, in front of the open warehouse door and big box fan, I panted in slow motion. Ah-huh. Ah-huh. Clear, round stars buzzed around my eyes. A blurry outline of Rae floated above me. Or maybe it was a Muppet or an alien. She tapped my helmet and said, "4:09." That's nice. I didn't comprehend what was said until Barbie, not the plastic kind, handed me my water and I took a sip. 20 laps in 4 minutes and 9 seconds AND IN 90 degree heat! I am proud to say that, not only did I pass my draft laps, I also shaved ten seconds of my total time.
This was just the beginning. The following weekend I passed my rules/skills test and endured a brutal league scrimmage. I've skated every day for the past three months and have yet to miss a single league practice; hard work surprisingly pays off. Ha! so cliche. But oh...so...true. In all honesty, I have never felt more welcome and supported than the moment I was invited to join the Treasure Valley Roller Girls as a league skater this past Sunday. I have and will continue to learn fantastical things from all the women and refs that I skate with. No words can describe the feeling of euphoria and accomplishment that has overcome me.
The only thing I can do is lace up skates and relish the moment.
p.s. please help me figure out a skate name
here are my ideas...
Molten Molly
Malicious Mabel
Lemon Harangue Pie
Reese S. Smash'Emtopieces
Who Clair S.
Gorange Sickle
Nancy Hurl (for all you librarians out there)
Ruby Not So Slow Ho (for any Rancid fans)
my family and close friends are driving me mad. they keep suggesting names that other skaters already have (http://www.twoevils.org/rollergirls/). As great as June CartHer Smash is, SOMEONE already has that name.
update: after input on facebook and a suggestion/heated debate with a fellow skater, I have chosen to call myself "Lemon Harangue Die" #3.14
neeeerdy, just the way I like it
thanks Barreta!
xoxox
-Lemon
8/3/11
bury the hatchet
bury the hatchet: an American English colloquialism meaning "to make peace"
All I have to say about this is, I wish I could. I really do. But I think it's just going to rear it's ugly head later on. Dirt is not the best for burying.
Sorry, and you know I'll always love you, I just can't keep doing this, and I'll never be able to forgive and forget.
There I said it, it has been said.
update: if you really meant it when you said "you still want me in your life," then why don't you show it? actions speak louder than words.
All I have to say about this is, I wish I could. I really do. But I think it's just going to rear it's ugly head later on. Dirt is not the best for burying.
Sorry, and you know I'll always love you, I just can't keep doing this, and I'll never be able to forgive and forget.
There I said it, it has been said.
update: if you really meant it when you said "you still want me in your life," then why don't you show it? actions speak louder than words.
8/2/11
a murder
a murder: a flock, such as a 'murder of crows,' people in the dark ages were put in crow cages to be pecked to death by them as a form of execution...or so the myth goes
Nick! Nick! Nick nick nick...came to visit!
This has almost nothing to do with murders or flocks. But, nonetheless, I love Nick with all my heart. He's a stand up friend.
While he was in town, we went to I-hop and ate pancakes and eggs and bacon. I was a little sleepy and we ended up having some ridiculous conversation during which Nick accused me of killing small animals. So, naturally, I said aloud, "I don't just go around killing puppies" at the exact moment when our waitress walked up to ask if we wanted any refills. I slumped down into the plasticy booth seat and gave Nick a scolding look. It's bad enough that we were in I-hop at 1 am, our waitress naturally assumed we were drunk (silly her), but now, on top of it all, she thought I was a murderer. I ate as quickly as I could and made Nick pay the bill while I scurried to the car so I wouldn't make myself look anymore foolish...like I had when we came in and I inquired aloud (I meant for it to be in my head) whether or not they cooked the rice that was holding a group of pens upright in a coffee mug by the cash register for later use. It's perfectly good rice!
Nick and I also took his younger sister to see Attack the Block, which isn't really a "scary movie." I like alien movies, I really do. But it did have disproportionately scary previews. Nick and I had to cover our eyes. We're REAL MEN when it comes to pansy things like zombies and possessed children. (meanwhile I am shaking my head to reflect the honest truth).
Nick! Nick! Nick nick nick...came to visit!
This has almost nothing to do with murders or flocks. But, nonetheless, I love Nick with all my heart. He's a stand up friend.
While he was in town, we went to I-hop and ate pancakes and eggs and bacon. I was a little sleepy and we ended up having some ridiculous conversation during which Nick accused me of killing small animals. So, naturally, I said aloud, "I don't just go around killing puppies" at the exact moment when our waitress walked up to ask if we wanted any refills. I slumped down into the plasticy booth seat and gave Nick a scolding look. It's bad enough that we were in I-hop at 1 am, our waitress naturally assumed we were drunk (silly her), but now, on top of it all, she thought I was a murderer. I ate as quickly as I could and made Nick pay the bill while I scurried to the car so I wouldn't make myself look anymore foolish...like I had when we came in and I inquired aloud (I meant for it to be in my head) whether or not they cooked the rice that was holding a group of pens upright in a coffee mug by the cash register for later use. It's perfectly good rice!
Nick and I also took his younger sister to see Attack the Block, which isn't really a "scary movie." I like alien movies, I really do. But it did have disproportionately scary previews. Nick and I had to cover our eyes. We're REAL MEN when it comes to pansy things like zombies and possessed children. (meanwhile I am shaking my head to reflect the honest truth).
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