Just a reminder that I am alive, but haven't been writing anywhere near the amount that I would like to be. That's what working 60+ hours a week will do. Shrug. Anyway, may your holidays be filled with extra cookies and lots of merriment.
12/13/14
merriment
merriment: gaiety and fun
Just a reminder that I am alive, but haven't been writing anywhere near the amount that I would like to be. That's what working 60+ hours a week will do. Shrug. Anyway, may your holidays be filled with extra cookies and lots of merriment.
Just a reminder that I am alive, but haven't been writing anywhere near the amount that I would like to be. That's what working 60+ hours a week will do. Shrug. Anyway, may your holidays be filled with extra cookies and lots of merriment.
9/26/14
propensity
propensity: an inclination or natural tendency to behave in a particular way
I've been thinking a lot about the different kinds of love, care, and compassion lately (beyond the 5 Languages of Love). About how these feelings, although purported to be, aren't as universal as one can conclude. About how some people (and animals, maybe even plants) have a higher propensity for empathy or mercy. Or how some individuals need to show and share physical contact more than emotional trust, etc. And how these different kinds of love can be felt in different situations, during different contexts, for different reasons.
I'm pretty sure I've felt 3 kinds of love in my life so far - lust, trust, and empathy. I've felt lust and empathy with great furor since, likely, the day I was born. But trust, trust is not something I had experienced until I met Jesse (boyfriend). The very first time I saw him, I almost kept walking past out of pure fear, fear that I felt something new and unconquerable sprout up inside me. I felt this way because, mostly, I didn't know if I was ready to let that unknown feeling grow. But I took a chance, and I'm glad I did.
What the fear grew into wasn't familiar (lust, nor empathy). Instead, it was something deeper, something more grounded and sustainable. Over the course of the next month or so, I let this feeling root itself and then flourish. In fact, I can pin point the exact moment I felt it explode into maturity. The exact moment came when we were standing in his apartment waiting on his brother to get ready to go somewhere - a snowy drive, a family dinner, I can't remember where - we were standing there, embraced in a hug. The front door was open, so the white winter light washed over us. The radio was playing, a faint song spattered around the room. His brawny arms squeezed my upper rib cage, crossed behind my back, head hung low. My hands clung to his shoulders, fingers dug into his back, feet dangled just above the floor, head resting near his clavicle. A flood of emotions tingled through me. The tingle was unlike any sensation I had ever experienced before. It was a patient, flushed, luminously warm sensation. With one embrace, the world melted away, nothing mattered. All I cared about was his squeeze. I wanted him to squeeze me for the rest of eternity, and I knew he would. I knew I could do no wrong, I knew I was safe, I knew I trusted him. That's the moment, the moment I knew my love for him was solid, steady, and indestructible.
This man is more than I will ever deserve to call mine, but he lets me anyway.
I've been thinking a lot about the different kinds of love, care, and compassion lately (beyond the 5 Languages of Love). About how these feelings, although purported to be, aren't as universal as one can conclude. About how some people (and animals, maybe even plants) have a higher propensity for empathy or mercy. Or how some individuals need to show and share physical contact more than emotional trust, etc. And how these different kinds of love can be felt in different situations, during different contexts, for different reasons.
I'm pretty sure I've felt 3 kinds of love in my life so far - lust, trust, and empathy. I've felt lust and empathy with great furor since, likely, the day I was born. But trust, trust is not something I had experienced until I met Jesse (boyfriend). The very first time I saw him, I almost kept walking past out of pure fear, fear that I felt something new and unconquerable sprout up inside me. I felt this way because, mostly, I didn't know if I was ready to let that unknown feeling grow. But I took a chance, and I'm glad I did.
What the fear grew into wasn't familiar (lust, nor empathy). Instead, it was something deeper, something more grounded and sustainable. Over the course of the next month or so, I let this feeling root itself and then flourish. In fact, I can pin point the exact moment I felt it explode into maturity. The exact moment came when we were standing in his apartment waiting on his brother to get ready to go somewhere - a snowy drive, a family dinner, I can't remember where - we were standing there, embraced in a hug. The front door was open, so the white winter light washed over us. The radio was playing, a faint song spattered around the room. His brawny arms squeezed my upper rib cage, crossed behind my back, head hung low. My hands clung to his shoulders, fingers dug into his back, feet dangled just above the floor, head resting near his clavicle. A flood of emotions tingled through me. The tingle was unlike any sensation I had ever experienced before. It was a patient, flushed, luminously warm sensation. With one embrace, the world melted away, nothing mattered. All I cared about was his squeeze. I wanted him to squeeze me for the rest of eternity, and I knew he would. I knew I could do no wrong, I knew I was safe, I knew I trusted him. That's the moment, the moment I knew my love for him was solid, steady, and indestructible.
This man is more than I will ever deserve to call mine, but he lets me anyway.
7/24/14
residual
residual: remaining after the greater part or quantity has gone
Sometimes little wisps of past grudges remain with me. They have a faint and fleeting effect.
Wildest
I've torn my shirt off, Lord of the Fly's style
like a savage child, a billowing roar, and then a cough
it's been awhile
but I have something to say
anyway
no one will ever know the monsters in your head and the gremlins in your heart
Sometimes little wisps of past grudges remain with me. They have a faint and fleeting effect.
The Passive Aggressive Note
What is this scrap of paper here?
a note?
read it, read it, um hm, um hum
what could it possibly connote
Ah ha, of course
I show no remorse
You can take your note
and shove it
write some bad poetry. Just absolutely love it!
I've torn my shirt off, Lord of the Fly's style
like a savage child, a billowing roar, and then a cough
it's been awhile
but I have something to say
anyway
no one will ever know the monsters in your head and the gremlins in your heart
...as intimately as you do
my emotions now bustling like an overcrowded zoo
that’s why I said fuck it, why bother even trying to meet
them, greet them
they’re yours; your only true friends
chained to your heart and your head in grouped tens
one day, maybe, one day we’ll invite them out to play
we’ll tell them to sit in multiple different styles of
chairs
watch and see the real extent of how much I cared
we’ll invite them to a duel
we’ll play by brand new rules
it will be a fight to the death
until one of us takes our last breath
just you and I
let them eat their Denny's pie
the show will begin
rin tin tin
both of us alone
the crowd of monsters and gremlins will grown
armed with just a brim-full milk jug
a wall of rubbery white liquid will hit your mug
down you will fall
your empty body, I will continue to maul
crunch crunch crunch
I’ll take my boot and stomp in your small skeleton
your sham life, no longer you will be able to run
no blood in this bath
but alas, your monsters and gremlins will finally see my wrath
7/8/14
optical
optical - relating to sight, especially in relation to the physical action of light
A long while ago I dropped my favorite slr (film) camera lens. I cried. Honestly, I blubbered.
To cheer myself up, I then decided to buy a digital camera. Along the way, however, I got frustrated at the digital camera because it just flat-out wasn't my t-50. I took that loss pretty hard. So, out of frustration, I sold it. The digital camera, that is.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I was trying to stick it to technology, really teach technology a lesson. Maybe I was trying to fill a void. I'm not sure.
Jump ahead a few dry, picture-less years and I find myself unwrapping a Christmas present from the bf. He got me a new slr lens. Fancier then the one I broke before. But not too fancy.
It took me a little time to warm up to this new lens. But recently, I have been back in action, shooting film again. Back doing something I nearly forgot that I love.
Upon this recent revival, I've been thinking about why I love it so and what it is I want to accomplish with it. There is a quote from Anne Leibovitz that talks about how crucial emotional content is to photography...about how photos should have a poignant impact and how they should remain in the viewer's heart.
And that, my friends, is why I love it and what I aim to do with it -- take pictures that remain in the hearts of others, regardless of the subject or the technique.
A few things have changed in the hobby of photography since I petered out last. FYI, you can no longer buy 800 ISO film over the counter and flikr now allows 1 TB (that's right terabyte) of data storage. That sure beats the measly 200 free images they used to allot. Check it.
A long while ago I dropped my favorite slr (film) camera lens. I cried. Honestly, I blubbered.
To cheer myself up, I then decided to buy a digital camera. Along the way, however, I got frustrated at the digital camera because it just flat-out wasn't my t-50. I took that loss pretty hard. So, out of frustration, I sold it. The digital camera, that is.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I was trying to stick it to technology, really teach technology a lesson. Maybe I was trying to fill a void. I'm not sure.
Jump ahead a few dry, picture-less years and I find myself unwrapping a Christmas present from the bf. He got me a new slr lens. Fancier then the one I broke before. But not too fancy.
It took me a little time to warm up to this new lens. But recently, I have been back in action, shooting film again. Back doing something I nearly forgot that I love.
Upon this recent revival, I've been thinking about why I love it so and what it is I want to accomplish with it. There is a quote from Anne Leibovitz that talks about how crucial emotional content is to photography...about how photos should have a poignant impact and how they should remain in the viewer's heart.
And that, my friends, is why I love it and what I aim to do with it -- take pictures that remain in the hearts of others, regardless of the subject or the technique.
A few things have changed in the hobby of photography since I petered out last. FYI, you can no longer buy 800 ISO film over the counter and flikr now allows 1 TB (that's right terabyte) of data storage. That sure beats the measly 200 free images they used to allot. Check it.
3/4/14
lucky dog
lucky dog: an extremely lucky person
I keep meaning to tell y'all. We adopted a doggie from the Canyon County Animal Shelter in January. Meet the newest member of the Halgat-Johnson family, Waylon Jennings Johnson. He's got brains and beauty. We taught him how to shake and roll-over in less than a week.
Squeeze!!
I keep meaning to tell y'all. We adopted a doggie from the Canyon County Animal Shelter in January. Meet the newest member of the Halgat-Johnson family, Waylon Jennings Johnson. He's got brains and beauty. We taught him how to shake and roll-over in less than a week.
Squeeze!!
2/26/14
burning bridges
burning bridges: to make decisions that cannot be changed in the future; based on the military action of burning a bridge you have just crossed to prevent the enemy from crossing it after you
Remember how I was saying that I don't much believe in stupid idioms a couple posts ago? Remember that? Well, I've got a few more for you that I'm staring to warm up to, particularly, "burning bridges prevents you from going back to places you should have never been" and "it gets better with time."
So, some context. A couple of weird events have happened in the past couple of weeks regarding T (an ex-ish of mine). First, I had a dream, a premonition really, that he was getting married. Grant it, I had no way of knowing this at the time. I had not contacted him or anyone that knows him in over a year and a half. So, creeped out by it, I told the bf about the dream and he said it was likely true. So we snooped on Facebook (tisk tisk) and found out that he (T) is indeed getting married, and get this, it's to the freaking girl that I caught him in a lie about. Precious, just precious. But, you know what? Good on her, maybe she is the saving grace that he needs. Maybe I should send a wedding gift? Maybe I shouldn't?
Anyway, shortly after that discovery I get an email from him, a sort-of apology yet not apology email. He's done this in the past, and I've never really been able to accept the apologies for what they really are, because I was never really out of the fog that was that "relationship" (maybe time does heal). At first I was just baffled by this email, my normal reaction. But then I reread it, and there was a part of the email that pissed me off. In this part T told me that he didn't want me to think that our shity time together where ever my fault, implying that I blamed myself for his actions. Implying that I didn't have enough self confidence to not put up with his crap. Lol. Blame myself, oh-no honey, I am far too forlorn and masochistic to blame myself for other people's faults. I chose that glorious pain all by myself. Like a drug, I was drawn to it. But alas, time heals, the high of pain fades and you eventually realize how much more stable and healthy your life is without it.
Okay, maybe I read into it a little, but I'm pretty smart and can typically see through people's bullshit - one of the perks to growing up with a pathological lair and alcoholic father. With my new found clarity, I wanted to say fuck you in the nicest way possible. So, I drafted an email, wasn't going to send it, but then did. Facepalm. But you know why I sent it...I sent because of the idioms that I've never really believed in. I sent it because sometimes you have to burn bridges in order to not go back to places that you should have never been in the first place.
Oh, how it felt so good. What's the saying, "sweet revenge?"
That reminds me of a wonderful NY Times article about Why Revenge Tastes So Sweet. Read it. Read it now! Also, in light of this article and my current post, I just want to say that I've never claimed to be on any kind of morality road, and even if I were, I would never suggest that it's higher than yours. Just goes to show T never really knew me, and that I should have followed yet another idiom, never date a person who doesn't like to read :P
UPDATE! 8/2014 - I've been trying to clean up my karma a little lately, My Name is Earl style. So I broke down, tried to be the bigger soul and gave T what he needed. I recognize now that he sent that "apology" email for himself, it had nothing to do with me (I'm still not convinced that people can change, but that's a post for another day, btw). I wrote him back and said what he needed/wanted to hear. I'm over it, happy/healthy, please live your life. Please use these words to facilitate your own path to happiness and health, but I am still not forgiving you, you can't take back shirty behavior, even if ignorant.
Remember how I was saying that I don't much believe in stupid idioms a couple posts ago? Remember that? Well, I've got a few more for you that I'm staring to warm up to, particularly, "burning bridges prevents you from going back to places you should have never been" and "it gets better with time."
So, some context. A couple of weird events have happened in the past couple of weeks regarding T (an ex-ish of mine). First, I had a dream, a premonition really, that he was getting married. Grant it, I had no way of knowing this at the time. I had not contacted him or anyone that knows him in over a year and a half. So, creeped out by it, I told the bf about the dream and he said it was likely true. So we snooped on Facebook (tisk tisk) and found out that he (T) is indeed getting married, and get this, it's to the freaking girl that I caught him in a lie about. Precious, just precious. But, you know what? Good on her, maybe she is the saving grace that he needs. Maybe I should send a wedding gift? Maybe I shouldn't?
Anyway, shortly after that discovery I get an email from him, a sort-of apology yet not apology email. He's done this in the past, and I've never really been able to accept the apologies for what they really are, because I was never really out of the fog that was that "relationship" (maybe time does heal). At first I was just baffled by this email, my normal reaction. But then I reread it, and there was a part of the email that pissed me off. In this part T told me that he didn't want me to think that our shity time together where ever my fault, implying that I blamed myself for his actions. Implying that I didn't have enough self confidence to not put up with his crap. Lol. Blame myself, oh-no honey, I am far too forlorn and masochistic to blame myself for other people's faults. I chose that glorious pain all by myself. Like a drug, I was drawn to it. But alas, time heals, the high of pain fades and you eventually realize how much more stable and healthy your life is without it.
Okay, maybe I read into it a little, but I'm pretty smart and can typically see through people's bullshit - one of the perks to growing up with a pathological lair and alcoholic father. With my new found clarity, I wanted to say fuck you in the nicest way possible. So, I drafted an email, wasn't going to send it, but then did. Facepalm. But you know why I sent it...I sent because of the idioms that I've never really believed in. I sent it because sometimes you have to burn bridges in order to not go back to places that you should have never been in the first place.
Oh, how it felt so good. What's the saying, "sweet revenge?"
That reminds me of a wonderful NY Times article about Why Revenge Tastes So Sweet. Read it. Read it now! Also, in light of this article and my current post, I just want to say that I've never claimed to be on any kind of morality road, and even if I were, I would never suggest that it's higher than yours. Just goes to show T never really knew me, and that I should have followed yet another idiom, never date a person who doesn't like to read :P
UPDATE! 8/2014 - I've been trying to clean up my karma a little lately, My Name is Earl style. So I broke down, tried to be the bigger soul and gave T what he needed. I recognize now that he sent that "apology" email for himself, it had nothing to do with me (I'm still not convinced that people can change, but that's a post for another day, btw). I wrote him back and said what he needed/wanted to hear. I'm over it, happy/healthy, please live your life. Please use these words to facilitate your own path to happiness and health, but I am still not forgiving you, you can't take back shirty behavior, even if ignorant.
2/25/14
muttonchops
muttonchops: sideburns that are connected by a moustache, but no chin hair; chopped wool from a mature sheep
I am sad to announce that Jesse (the bf) shaved his beard off this past Sunday. I will lament it's passing deeply, at least until next winter. Before he clean-shaved everything, he crafted some amazing muttonshops and left them on for a day. It was bliss. Best day ever really. I love this man. Would have liked to see the chops stick around for longer than a day though. Lol.
I am sad to announce that Jesse (the bf) shaved his beard off this past Sunday. I will lament it's passing deeply, at least until next winter. Before he clean-shaved everything, he crafted some amazing muttonshops and left them on for a day. It was bliss. Best day ever really. I love this man. Would have liked to see the chops stick around for longer than a day though. Lol.
 |
| I think he thought he looked like this, so he shaved 'em off :( |
 |
| But he actually looked like this, grrr. Yum. |
2/15/14
serendipity
serendipity: the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way
There are a couple of idioms that I have always thought are bullshit, to be frank. But recently my frame of mind has shifted and I'm staring to believe that a few might hold some validity.
Take for instance, "all things happen for a reason." I'm still not 100% sold on this because, well, reasons-shmeasons. Everything in this life is random, but sometimes that randomness syncs up in a way that benefits you and your life experiences. I have learned that this is called "serendipity."
My life has been very serendipitous these past few years. Good comes of bad, events flow joyously, ying and yang, everything balances eventually. Loose a job, gain a better one. Burn a bridge, build a stronger one to somewhere where you should have been instead. End an unhealthy relationship, fall into the best one you've ever had. Break a bone, heal and become Iron Man. Okay, maybe not the last one, but you get the picture.
Anyway, I wrote a poem to commemorate the slow melting of my doubt.
serendipity
zippity do dah, zippity day
life works out in a serendipitous way
supercalifragilistic expialidocious
deal with it, you'll always be precocious
boom boom pow
try more to stay in the now
knock knock knock
there's no special key in life for secrets to unlock
There are a couple of idioms that I have always thought are bullshit, to be frank. But recently my frame of mind has shifted and I'm staring to believe that a few might hold some validity.
Take for instance, "all things happen for a reason." I'm still not 100% sold on this because, well, reasons-shmeasons. Everything in this life is random, but sometimes that randomness syncs up in a way that benefits you and your life experiences. I have learned that this is called "serendipity."
My life has been very serendipitous these past few years. Good comes of bad, events flow joyously, ying and yang, everything balances eventually. Loose a job, gain a better one. Burn a bridge, build a stronger one to somewhere where you should have been instead. End an unhealthy relationship, fall into the best one you've ever had. Break a bone, heal and become Iron Man. Okay, maybe not the last one, but you get the picture.
Anyway, I wrote a poem to commemorate the slow melting of my doubt.
serendipity
zippity do dah, zippity day
life works out in a serendipitous way
supercalifragilistic expialidocious
deal with it, you'll always be precocious
boom boom pow
try more to stay in the now
knock knock knock
there's no special key in life for secrets to unlock
2/11/14
turn a new leaf
turn over a new leaf: to start to act or behave in a better or more responsible way; comes from turning a page in a book, reading something new
Today I accepted a job offer for a full-time benefited position at Boise State University. Officially, my position title is Graduation and Transcript Evaluator, Sr. I am excited to be working for an organization whose goals and values closely match my own. I am equally excited to be in a position that will allow me to further cultivate my information management and policy interpretation skills. This job will be instrumental in my professional and personal development.
With the acceptance of this new job, I feel like I have really made stride towards being a functioning adult. Lol. I have turned a new leaf in the book that is my life. I have even created a few super basic goals to focus on within my new position.
Today I accepted a job offer for a full-time benefited position at Boise State University. Officially, my position title is Graduation and Transcript Evaluator, Sr. I am excited to be working for an organization whose goals and values closely match my own. I am equally excited to be in a position that will allow me to further cultivate my information management and policy interpretation skills. This job will be instrumental in my professional and personal development.
With the acceptance of this new job, I feel like I have really made stride towards being a functioning adult. Lol. I have turned a new leaf in the book that is my life. I have even created a few super basic goals to focus on within my new position.
1/8/14
gelid
gelid: extremely cold; icy
It snowed about 4 inches last night. Naturally, I wrote a poem inspired by my walk to the store in the snow this morning to get almond milk.
gelid
the snow is like a thick sheet of cotton bolted to the earth
a cloth to dampen all the sound and bring silence to our turf
the snow, it covers everything in light
turning all times into day, even the glowing night
heavy with its crystals, branches bow and timbers burrow
standing sunken in its midst, cheeks pinched red, my brow unfurrows
It snowed about 4 inches last night. Naturally, I wrote a poem inspired by my walk to the store in the snow this morning to get almond milk.
gelid
the snow is like a thick sheet of cotton bolted to the earth
a cloth to dampen all the sound and bring silence to our turf
the snow, it covers everything in light
turning all times into day, even the glowing night
heavy with its crystals, branches bow and timbers burrow
standing sunken in its midst, cheeks pinched red, my brow unfurrows
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