propensity

propensity: an inclination or natural tendency to behave in a particular way

I've been thinking a lot about the different kinds of love, care, and compassion lately (beyond the 5 Languages of Love). About how these feelings, although purported to be, aren't as universal as one can conclude. About how some people (and animals, maybe even plants) have a higher propensity for empathy or mercy. Or how some individuals need to show and share physical contact more than emotional trust, etc. And how these different kinds of love can be felt in different situations, during different contexts, for different reasons.

I'm pretty sure I've felt 3 kinds of love in my life so far - lust, trust, and empathy. I've felt lust and empathy with great furor since, likely, the day I was born. But trust, trust is not something I had experienced until I met Jesse (boyfriend). The very first time I saw him, I almost kept walking past out of pure fear, fear that I felt something new and unconquerable sprout up inside me. I felt this way because, mostly, I didn't know if I was ready to let that unknown feeling grow. But I took a chance, and I'm glad I did.

What the fear grew into wasn't familiar (lust, nor empathy). Instead, it was something deeper, something more grounded and sustainable. Over the course of the next month or so, I let this feeling root itself and then flourish. In fact, I can pin point the exact moment I felt it explode into maturity. The exact moment came when we were standing in his apartment waiting on his brother to get ready to go somewhere - a snowy drive, a family dinner, I can't remember where - we were standing there, embraced in a hug. The front door was open, so the white winter light washed over us. The radio was playing, a faint song spattered around the room. His brawny arms squeezed my upper rib cage, crossed behind my back, head hung low. My hands clung to his shoulders, fingers dug into his back, feet dangled just above the floor, head resting near his clavicle. A flood of emotions tingled through me. The tingle was unlike any sensation I had ever experienced before. It was a patient, flushed, luminously warm sensation. With one embrace, the world melted away, nothing mattered. All I cared about was his squeeze. I wanted him to squeeze me for the rest of eternity, and I knew he would. I knew I could do no wrong, I knew I was safe, I knew I trusted him. That's the moment, the moment I knew my love for him was solid, steady, and indestructible.


 This man is more than I will ever deserve to call mine, but he lets me anyway.

relationship

relationship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I suck balls at relationships. Sometimes literally. Ha, ha, hahaha. No, not that funny. That was in poor taste even. Lol. Anyway, the more I suck at them, the more I learn, surprisingly. Silver lining! And with learning comes knowledge, enough to create some basic rules.  It's taken me a lot of energy and patience to quell my anxieties, cope with depression, and allow myself to be vulnerable and still feel safe, to invite ambiguity and still have a sense of security. Along the way I wrote out some rules in order of importance.

1. Take responsibility for your own happiness
2. Follow the golden rule (mutual respect and consideration)
3. Be reliable (be punctual, follow through on promises, make good on my word, give a reason to be trusted)
4. Admit mistakes (apologize with humility, commit to change, ask for gentle help)
5. Be realistic (there will be bad days, work through them, accept conflict, work towards resolution, ask yourself if the relationship is benefiting you AND your partner, if "no" leave)
6. Listen (be empathetic, give non-judgmental advice when asked)
7. Show affection in multiple ways (think 5 love languages)
8. Be loyal (but not jealous, possessive, don't push buttons)
9. Don't hide anything, don't lie (don't fear loss, be yourself, be vulnerable)
10. Give some space (respect boundaries, but vocalize your value of transparency and know which lines, if crossed, are red flags, also know your own boundaries)
11. Express feelings and communicate needs (but do both without ultimatums and offer realistic solutions)
12. Encourage and support (don't judge, state your opinion as no more valid than another point of view)
13. Devote quality time over quantity
14. Practice forgiveness, compromise, give the benefit of the doubt
15. Laugh (but also make clear things that you take seriously)
16. Be a better communicator (don't use direct language- instead of "you should" try "I would really value if you" -say please and thank you, fight fair/take turns talking and listening, never yell, if he yells request a calmer attitude, find/request the right time to talk "strike while the iron is cold," show open body language, but don't send mixed messages, make eye contact, use your hands, enunciate, slow your speech, medium volume, ask questions/clarify, don't make assumptions, be optimistic)
17. Fight your own demons (when depressed or anxious…notice what you're thinking or feeling, but don't act, tell him "I care about you a lot, I'm just feeling a little disconnected tonight, my mind is doing weird things right now" and "let's not go into it, my head is a little twisted and overwhelmed right now, if there is something we need to talk about, let's do it when I'm feeling better/calmed down," ask for help when appropriate)
18. Be on the same page (but also appreciate and make an effort to understand differences, agree on rules and actions for long term goals, financial planning, parenting style, sharing chores, etc.)

responsiblity

responsibility: adult shit

Just waiting for my car's oil to be changed. You know, being a "responsible adult." Something about hot coco makes everything seem so much bearable.

let's just say...

What was cold, is now hot again, or is it still cold? Apparently, giving space leads to stronger feelings, but then those feelings turn right back around and decide they still need space. This is all sounding too familiar.  Like pulling teeth. I get it, I freak you out...but only on weeks that end in even numbered days? Fickle.

-AND-

Inconsistency drives me bonkers.  Sometimes I just let it run rampant and end up flopping around on the floor seizing in my own anxiety, despite the roommate or the best friend telling me to calm the eff down. Lol. I'm glad you all can find humor in my dramatics, I'm trying to do the same these days. You're such great friends. <-- not sarcastic

-AND-

I'm bloody tired of walking on egg shells. I promised myself the last go around that if I felt this way, I would cut my losses...

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

blight

blight: infect, destroy

You know what clears a blighted head and heavy heart? A damn good concert and lesbians! Alicia, her new girl, and I went to Tegan and Sara at the knitting factory last night. It was nothing short of magical. I adore Tegan and Sara in a way that nothing can crush or diminish. Seeing them play live was soul renewing. I'm a little horse this morning because I shouted all the words to all the songs. But it's a small price to pay. What good fun. And the band that opened (Speak) were pretty darn decent. All I did was dance, dance, and dance again. There was a shit ton of dancing. So much dancing. Good gawd, I do love dancing. Horrible at it, but I love it. Much like golf and most things in my life.

throw me a bone

throw me a bone: requesting encouragement, response, reward, reaction, or help

At first, I wasn't sure if I should title this post, "careful what you wish for" or "throw me a bone." And then these we delivered to my work...

thanks Josh!

I think it's safe to assume that sometimes, just sometimes I get thrown a super ultra magnificent bone, with the sweetest meat, and biggest proportions.

More on this later!

Update: So late late one night maybe a month ago I got this crazy whim to noodle on the internet, somehow I ended up on OkCupid, a free dating site, looking at a six two, adorable man's profile picture.  Said he was in the navy and I thought to myself, "Hmm. Guess I'll make a profile and see where this takes me." Mistake number one! Ha, I ended up talking to him (Navy guy) and a shit ton of other guys.  Damn near got 100 messages a day!!  So finally, I just picked the top ten and gave them all a first date.  Boy was that a crazy ride. Thai with Jackson, swing set with tall Mike, swimming with dimples Mike, lunch in Nampa with Chris, after practice chit chat with Jason, Friday night dinner with Peter, sushi with Van, Skype with Jarris, Harley ride with Seth, and last but certainly not least, breakfast at ihop with Josh.  Josh was the Navy guy I started this whole ordeal for, he ended up being the one I like most. Mistake number two :(  I quite fancy Josh, I do. I'm trying not to get too excited or make any expectations because so far we've spent a lot of time together and maybe things have moved a little too quickly. Dating someone new ha never given me this my anxiety before. Shrug.