relationship

relationship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I suck balls at relationships. Sometimes literally. Ha, ha, hahaha. No, not that funny. That was in poor taste even. Lol. Anyway, the more I suck at them, the more I learn, surprisingly. Silver lining! And with learning comes knowledge, enough to create some basic rules.  It's taken me a lot of energy and patience to quell my anxieties, cope with depression, and allow myself to be vulnerable and still feel safe, to invite ambiguity and still have a sense of security. Along the way I wrote out some rules in order of importance.

1. Take responsibility for your own happiness
2. Follow the golden rule (mutual respect and consideration)
3. Be reliable (be punctual, follow through on promises, make good on my word, give a reason to be trusted)
4. Admit mistakes (apologize with humility, commit to change, ask for gentle help)
5. Be realistic (there will be bad days, work through them, accept conflict, work towards resolution, ask yourself if the relationship is benefiting you AND your partner, if "no" leave)
6. Listen (be empathetic, give non-judgmental advice when asked)
7. Show affection in multiple ways (think 5 love languages)
8. Be loyal (but not jealous, possessive, don't push buttons)
9. Don't hide anything, don't lie (don't fear loss, be yourself, be vulnerable)
10. Give some space (respect boundaries, but vocalize your value of transparency and know which lines, if crossed, are red flags, also know your own boundaries)
11. Express feelings and communicate needs (but do both without ultimatums and offer realistic solutions)
12. Encourage and support (don't judge, state your opinion as no more valid than another point of view)
13. Devote quality time over quantity
14. Practice forgiveness, compromise, give the benefit of the doubt
15. Laugh (but also make clear things that you take seriously)
16. Be a better communicator (don't use direct language- instead of "you should" try "I would really value if you" -say please and thank you, fight fair/take turns talking and listening, never yell, if he yells request a calmer attitude, find/request the right time to talk "strike while the iron is cold," show open body language, but don't send mixed messages, make eye contact, use your hands, enunciate, slow your speech, medium volume, ask questions/clarify, don't make assumptions, be optimistic)
17. Fight your own demons (when depressed or anxious…notice what you're thinking or feeling, but don't act, tell him "I care about you a lot, I'm just feeling a little disconnected tonight, my mind is doing weird things right now" and "let's not go into it, my head is a little twisted and overwhelmed right now, if there is something we need to talk about, let's do it when I'm feeling better/calmed down," ask for help when appropriate)
18. Be on the same page (but also appreciate and make an effort to understand differences, agree on rules and actions for long term goals, financial planning, parenting style, sharing chores, etc.)