I've been thinking a lot about the different kinds of love, care, and compassion lately (beyond the 5 Languages of Love). About how these feelings, although purported to be, aren't as universal as one can conclude. About how some people (and animals, maybe even plants) have a higher propensity for empathy or mercy. Or how some individuals need to show and share physical contact more than emotional trust, etc. And how these different kinds of love can be felt in different situations, during different contexts, for different reasons.
I'm pretty sure I've felt 3 kinds of love in my life so far - lust, trust, and empathy. I've felt lust and empathy with great furor since, likely, the day I was born. But trust, trust is not something I had experienced until I met Jesse (boyfriend). The very first time I saw him, I almost kept walking past out of pure fear, fear that I felt something new and unconquerable sprout up inside me. I felt this way because, mostly, I didn't know if I was ready to let that unknown feeling grow. But I took a chance, and I'm glad I did.
What the fear grew into wasn't familiar (lust, nor empathy). Instead, it was something deeper, something more grounded and sustainable. Over the course of the next month or so, I let this feeling root itself and then flourish. In fact, I can pin point the exact moment I felt it explode into maturity. The exact moment came when we were standing in his apartment waiting on his brother to get ready to go somewhere - a snowy drive, a family dinner, I can't remember where - we were standing there, embraced in a hug. The front door was open, so the white winter light washed over us. The radio was playing, a faint song spattered around the room. His brawny arms squeezed my upper rib cage, crossed behind my back, head hung low. My hands clung to his shoulders, fingers dug into his back, feet dangled just above the floor, head resting near his clavicle. A flood of emotions tingled through me. The tingle was unlike any sensation I had ever experienced before. It was a patient, flushed, luminously warm sensation. With one embrace, the world melted away, nothing mattered. All I cared about was his squeeze. I wanted him to squeeze me for the rest of eternity, and I knew he would. I knew I could do no wrong, I knew I was safe, I knew I trusted him. That's the moment, the moment I knew my love for him was solid, steady, and indestructible.
This man is more than I will ever deserve to call mine, but he lets me anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment