dear brain and all your low dopamine, serotonin, and endorphin levels,
there really is no need to be sad in a world that has ska punk, ice cream, and roller skates. Sometimes you forget this, so I thought I would remind you.
your crony,
monique
I don't own this content. No coprolite infringement intended.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
7/30/12
2/23/12
gale
gale: a strong current of air; a wind from 32-63 mph; an outburst of emotion
without courage
hurry
hurry
horrible
hurricane
rips right through me
my soul torn
like the sharp shards of the broken green grass
like the last strand of dignity dangling
threads from a tattered dish rag, used, past due
waved in violent winds
wet hands, soiled
wiped on a kitchen apron, frilly chills
your warning, I could not hear
over the greying grumble of my insanity, your instability
muted all possibilities
loomed into doomed darkness, depression
I drift away, spinning into middle Midwest tornadoes,
realizing that this is the last poem I'll ever write about you
hope you're happy
--
So last night I had a nightmare where I was moving into an apartment that was attached to an ex's house and I had to get through the house to get out or into my apartment, but I couldn't find the exit and in the meantime my ex traversed about with a myriad of other women. I hate you, stupid relationships and all the stupid baggage you leave behind.
So, then I woke up in a sweat and was wide awake for the rest of the night. To make good use of my time I listened to some Frightened Rabbit and wrote some poems. I hate you insomnia.
--
topsy turvy
I see sets of 8 circles rolling round and round,
across cold concrete sky,
my cheek is pressed, frozen to the piercing atmosphere
a hit and a miss,
telecasted hipcheck highlighted
hung-over, like a rag-doll, someone flaps upward, toward the flat track,
her fishnet rips, cross-hatched black seeps open to reveal bruised yellow-purple polka dots
edged by pink flesh,
the wind whips my face, steam from a pack of sharks rolling invisible circles around fresh meat,
the florescent lit floor sparkles, polished bare,
a bald man's head in black and white stripes
light flickers through wheel hubs of neon green and bright blue,
my head throbs, my ribs ache,
tweet tweet tweet tweet!
one deep, stabbing breath and I've muster the courage to turn the entire world upside down,
everything rotating, slowly
back onto my toe stops, two steps
and the jammer line beckons my return
welcome to the world of roller derby
without courage
hurry
hurry
horrible
hurricane
rips right through me
my soul torn
like the sharp shards of the broken green grass
like the last strand of dignity dangling
threads from a tattered dish rag, used, past due
waved in violent winds
wet hands, soiled
wiped on a kitchen apron, frilly chills
your warning, I could not hear
over the greying grumble of my insanity, your instability
muted all possibilities
loomed into doomed darkness, depression
I drift away, spinning into middle Midwest tornadoes,
realizing that this is the last poem I'll ever write about you
hope you're happy
--
So last night I had a nightmare where I was moving into an apartment that was attached to an ex's house and I had to get through the house to get out or into my apartment, but I couldn't find the exit and in the meantime my ex traversed about with a myriad of other women. I hate you, stupid relationships and all the stupid baggage you leave behind.
So, then I woke up in a sweat and was wide awake for the rest of the night. To make good use of my time I listened to some Frightened Rabbit and wrote some poems. I hate you insomnia.
--
topsy turvy
I see sets of 8 circles rolling round and round,
across cold concrete sky,
my cheek is pressed, frozen to the piercing atmosphere
a hit and a miss,
telecasted hipcheck highlighted
hung-over, like a rag-doll, someone flaps upward, toward the flat track,
her fishnet rips, cross-hatched black seeps open to reveal bruised yellow-purple polka dots
edged by pink flesh,
the wind whips my face, steam from a pack of sharks rolling invisible circles around fresh meat,
the florescent lit floor sparkles, polished bare,
a bald man's head in black and white stripes
light flickers through wheel hubs of neon green and bright blue,
my head throbs, my ribs ache,
tweet tweet tweet tweet!
one deep, stabbing breath and I've muster the courage to turn the entire world upside down,
everything rotating, slowly
back onto my toe stops, two steps
and the jammer line beckons my return
welcome to the world of roller derby
12/24/11
hill of beans
hill of beans: according to urabandictionary.com, this term is U.S. Marine jargon comparative for something worthless
You know what, sometimes you break your ankle and lose the very love of your life and realize you hate your job and where you live, and then BAM! your dearest friend Nick comes to visit and reminds you that depression sucks balls, but life amounts to more than just a hill of beans. So I dedicate this song to Nick.
Our time together was too short, as always, but I'll always remmember how we we ate delicious co-op sandwiches and hung out with Anthony. They cooked noodles, I ate them, they played pool, I got frustrated (I really susper suck at pool and am a poor sport about it), they argued, I didn't help. Ha! And of course, there was this...
Anyway, so this was really the cherry on top, I also got a new job and am cleared to skate come Feb, and found a new place to live! So, suck it depression. Check and mate. I win this round.
You know what, sometimes you break your ankle and lose the very love of your life and realize you hate your job and where you live, and then BAM! your dearest friend Nick comes to visit and reminds you that depression sucks balls, but life amounts to more than just a hill of beans. So I dedicate this song to Nick.
Our time together was too short, as always, but I'll always remmember how we we ate delicious co-op sandwiches and hung out with Anthony. They cooked noodles, I ate them, they played pool, I got frustrated (I really susper suck at pool and am a poor sport about it), they argued, I didn't help. Ha! And of course, there was this...
 |
| fun with lighter fluid, burning anarchy! Not illegal, no, nope. Perfectly safe. |
 |
| Not really sure what's going on here, something to do with watching Nacho Libre, maybe. |
12/18/11
portmanteau
portmanteau: a blend of two words into one; first explained by Humpty Dumpty in Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass
example- "vlog" = video + blog
I will probably come to regret this later. Here goes nothing!
example- "vlog" = video + blog
I will probably come to regret this later. Here goes nothing!
update: yup, regretting this. I was not drunk when I made this, cross my heart hope to die. But I have since lost that amazing t-shirt :(
11/30/11
omega
omega: the twenty-fourth and final letter of the Greek alphabet (Ω, ω), transliterated as ‘o’ or ‘ō’
Do you ever feel like you're going to give up on everything soon. Like an ending is nearing? Like you're running out of letters to use and once you've used them all, there is no hope.
I hate this feeling.
Fuck having a perpetually broken heart.
Fuck losing your appetite.
Fuck insomnia.
Fuck scars.
Fuck depression.
Do you ever feel like you're going to give up on everything soon. Like an ending is nearing? Like you're running out of letters to use and once you've used them all, there is no hope.
I hate this feeling.
Fuck having a perpetually broken heart.
Fuck losing your appetite.
Fuck insomnia.
Fuck scars.
Fuck depression.
3/27/11
tinnitus
tinnitus: ringing in the ears, caused by a crap ton of aliments
when I got out of the car, my ears rung with a deep and vibrant rattle.
accumulated hearing damage aside, there exists a direct correlation between how much my day sucked and the number of albums I listened to in the duration of that day. Essentially, the worse the day, the more the number of albums. Today wasn't all that bad, but considering the monotonous drive back from Boise and the sinking in of recent stress, I have listened to a total of 13 albums and around 4 hours of miscellaneous songs today.
here we go,
Pinkerton- Weezer
Drunken Lullabies- Flogging Molly
Bleach- Nirvana
Live at Reading- Nirvana
Parachutes- Coldplay (I memorized all the lyrics to Yellow between Nampa, ID and Ontario, OR)
Self Titled- Foo Fighters
In Your Honor- Foo Fighters
Goat- Jesus Lizard
Others! Others!- Bomb the Music Industry
Self Titled- The National
Pussy Whipped- Bikini Kill (I heart rrrriot girls)
Farm- Dino Jr
Several Shades of Why- J. Mascis
1/2 of Boys and Girls- Ingrid Michelson
you should see what my suckier days look like; the earbuds never come out, the ringing never stops. I'm excited though, because Nick and I went to Everyday Music tonight and in my email sits a Replacements album. Hmm, come to think of it. I was sharing with Nick my frustrations about not having an outlet for pain and depression, seeing as we both don't drink and, unlike the masses, can't get shitfaced and forget about our problems. I've been struggling with the concept of fairness lately, and this just doesn't seem fair. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to have that option, I don't ever want to be numb again, but it still doesn't seem fair. Woah, woah, woah, I HAD thought that it didn't seem fair, that I didn't have an outlet, but in light of the above, I'd say I do have an outlet. And it doesn't involve puking. So everybody wins!
p.s. lots of commentary to come on my trip to Boise. it was...interesting.
when I got out of the car, my ears rung with a deep and vibrant rattle.
accumulated hearing damage aside, there exists a direct correlation between how much my day sucked and the number of albums I listened to in the duration of that day. Essentially, the worse the day, the more the number of albums. Today wasn't all that bad, but considering the monotonous drive back from Boise and the sinking in of recent stress, I have listened to a total of 13 albums and around 4 hours of miscellaneous songs today.
here we go,
Pinkerton- Weezer
Drunken Lullabies- Flogging Molly
Bleach- Nirvana
Live at Reading- Nirvana
Parachutes- Coldplay (I memorized all the lyrics to Yellow between Nampa, ID and Ontario, OR)
Self Titled- Foo Fighters
In Your Honor- Foo Fighters
Goat- Jesus Lizard
Others! Others!- Bomb the Music Industry
Self Titled- The National
Pussy Whipped- Bikini Kill (I heart rrrriot girls)
Farm- Dino Jr
Several Shades of Why- J. Mascis
1/2 of Boys and Girls- Ingrid Michelson
you should see what my suckier days look like; the earbuds never come out, the ringing never stops. I'm excited though, because Nick and I went to Everyday Music tonight and in my email sits a Replacements album. Hmm, come to think of it. I was sharing with Nick my frustrations about not having an outlet for pain and depression, seeing as we both don't drink and, unlike the masses, can't get shitfaced and forget about our problems. I've been struggling with the concept of fairness lately, and this just doesn't seem fair. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to have that option, I don't ever want to be numb again, but it still doesn't seem fair. Woah, woah, woah, I HAD thought that it didn't seem fair, that I didn't have an outlet, but in light of the above, I'd say I do have an outlet. And it doesn't involve puking. So everybody wins!
p.s. lots of commentary to come on my trip to Boise. it was...interesting.
2/19/11
can of worms
to open a can of worms: to inadvertently create numerous new problems while trying to solve an older one. Experts disagree on the origin of the phrase, but it is generally believed to be a Canadian or American metaphor coined sometime in the 1950s. Bait stores routinely sold cans of worms and other popular live baits to fishermen, who often discovered how easy it was to open a can of worms and how difficult it was to close one. Once the worms discovered an opportunity to escape, it became nearly impossible to keep them contained. Sort of like Pandora's Box. (wisegeek.com)
Feels as if I have three or four cans of worms open right now. Bull grunt. Wish I knew how to close them.
My scars are itchy and scabbed over in large part from trying to close all these cans of worms!
Practice was brutal this week. We did a lot of hitting drills and pace lines. I had a glorious hip-check, knocked a girl right off the track onto her butt! He he. Seriously, those two hours are the only hours in which I can immerse myself and think of nothing else. It's nice...more than nice actually.
Thursday night was icky. Exhaustion was all I could feel, but Nick called and we went and got some doughnuts at Sesame. I'm a fan of any place open 24-hours...especially when it has the world's greatest chocolate-glazed doughnut holes, 15 for less than $1.75
Earlier last week, I bought Jeff Ely (my computer science professor) doughnuts from Sesame as a thank you for the innumerable letters of recommendation he has written for me. We shared a wonderful moment, eating doughnuts with a fellow connoisseur.
As for now, I've got a lot of work to do. Namely, I need to get ready to present my paper/thesis at both the Gender Symposium and a Comm conference. I'm also scrambling to start my full-time practicum at Roosevelt High School on Tuesday. I've already been working with students there, preparing for a Mock Trial Competition, but I'm excited to spend more time in the classroom with them.
so here's to those can of worms closing on their own. fingers crossed.
Feels as if I have three or four cans of worms open right now. Bull grunt. Wish I knew how to close them.
My scars are itchy and scabbed over in large part from trying to close all these cans of worms!
Practice was brutal this week. We did a lot of hitting drills and pace lines. I had a glorious hip-check, knocked a girl right off the track onto her butt! He he. Seriously, those two hours are the only hours in which I can immerse myself and think of nothing else. It's nice...more than nice actually.
Thursday night was icky. Exhaustion was all I could feel, but Nick called and we went and got some doughnuts at Sesame. I'm a fan of any place open 24-hours...especially when it has the world's greatest chocolate-glazed doughnut holes, 15 for less than $1.75
 |
| not my mini van, I promise. |
Earlier last week, I bought Jeff Ely (my computer science professor) doughnuts from Sesame as a thank you for the innumerable letters of recommendation he has written for me. We shared a wonderful moment, eating doughnuts with a fellow connoisseur.
 |
| the Sid's Special on top |
so here's to those can of worms closing on their own. fingers crossed.
11/23/10
mithridate
mithridate: a confection believed to contain an antidote to every poison
today I learned somethings about depression.
I learned that writing is therapeutic. Well technically, I knew this before, but I found a scholarly book about it while at work.
Also if you're feeling sad, eat a piece of toast...or an orange. The complex carbohydrates and the citrus smell of these foods boost serotonin.
today I learned somethings about depression.
I learned that writing is therapeutic. Well technically, I knew this before, but I found a scholarly book about it while at work.
Also if you're feeling sad, eat a piece of toast...or an orange. The complex carbohydrates and the citrus smell of these foods boost serotonin.
8/13/10
blind date
blind date: a date between two people who have not previously met. normally not a good idea.
so my family set me up on a blind date last night. It was a double blind date. We ate fish tacos and went bowling. A pretty decent time was had. The guy they set me up with was super attractive, he had an infectious smile, strong stature, and freckles! He also had a wonderful personality, he was chivalrous, funny, laid back. AND YET...I felt crummy for the entire night. At one point he was even sitting right there next to me on the couch and straight up asked if I wanted to make out, which trust me, I wanted to make out...but it would have been awkward. I would have just thought of all the crummy heartache I've been harboring these days, and then the corners of my mouth would have sunk downward. I wish you-know-who'd just leave me alone, get out of my head so I can move on and make out with other people, attractive other people who are sitting right there wanting to make out. I felt sorry for the guy. I wanted to explain to him...so yeah I just had my heart ripped out of my chest by a person I felt deeply for...nothing against you, I just have emotional problems, surprise surprise! I'm tired of feeling like that though. I really don't want to be that girl again, the one with all the heavy baggage. Eff it. I should have made out with him. Wow, I sound like a 13 year old girl right now. Go me.
on a positive note much Social Distortion will be had tonight. AND if I can swing it, I'll get to go see my dear friend Gill drive in a Demolition Derby at Meridian Speedway tomorrow night. Wonderful. Not quite making out, but wonderful nevertheless.
update 8/15/10: to the author of the comment below I say, "trust me, I know"
update 8/19/10: see "on my mind..." post for 8/19/10 :)
so my family set me up on a blind date last night. It was a double blind date. We ate fish tacos and went bowling. A pretty decent time was had. The guy they set me up with was super attractive, he had an infectious smile, strong stature, and freckles! He also had a wonderful personality, he was chivalrous, funny, laid back. AND YET...I felt crummy for the entire night. At one point he was even sitting right there next to me on the couch and straight up asked if I wanted to make out, which trust me, I wanted to make out...but it would have been awkward. I would have just thought of all the crummy heartache I've been harboring these days, and then the corners of my mouth would have sunk downward. I wish you-know-who'd just leave me alone, get out of my head so I can move on and make out with other people, attractive other people who are sitting right there wanting to make out. I felt sorry for the guy. I wanted to explain to him...so yeah I just had my heart ripped out of my chest by a person I felt deeply for...nothing against you, I just have emotional problems, surprise surprise! I'm tired of feeling like that though. I really don't want to be that girl again, the one with all the heavy baggage. Eff it. I should have made out with him. Wow, I sound like a 13 year old girl right now. Go me.
on a positive note much Social Distortion will be had tonight. AND if I can swing it, I'll get to go see my dear friend Gill drive in a Demolition Derby at Meridian Speedway tomorrow night. Wonderful. Not quite making out, but wonderful nevertheless.
update 8/15/10: to the author of the comment below I say, "trust me, I know"
update 8/19/10: see "on my mind..." post for 8/19/10 :)
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