on my mind...

normalcy: being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning, President Harding's 1920's presidential campaign slogan

Houser, one of the girls I skate with, was sharing a story about both her personal and professional experience with VA psychologists.  She, like me, was once in a relationship with an Iraq veteran.  She also happens to be a licensed therapist.  And well, apart from "reminiscing" about how crazy we felt in those relationships, she also confirmed my suspicions... some VA psychologists' idea of therapy is "pushy" at best.  They define for the vet what is "normative behavior," and then they push them into that box, sometimes the pushing occurs even when the vet is ill suited or not ready for such normalcy.  Take for example, a month ago T told me that he is in a new relationship.  We've discussed, at length, about how he actively fights against being in any sort of relationship on a daily basis.  When I asked him why then, all he had to offer was, "because I want to feel normal."  If you don't genuinely want or desire to partake in normative behaviors, than why do them, why strive for them?  And more importantly if you cannot fully and wholeheartedly engage in normative behaviors, aren't you cheating yourself and others involved? Seems silly to me.

I've struggled with this myself.  The subjective and highly self-sustaining idea of norms, normalcy, normative behaviors, normal, etc. are not easily understood, at least not by my brain.  I am not normal, others remind me of this daily, and actually, I have come to enjoy actively working against norms. That;s not to say I'm a deviant or some subversive.  I'm an individual rather.  In my own observations, many "individuals" lack the courage they need to be unabashedly themselves. They instead, compromise themselves and their life experiences in order to fulfill society's definition of "normal."

Fuck being normal.  If I have to compromise my identity, my intuition, my love, my emotion, my anything, well then, that norm ought not to be followed.  I suppose this starting to leans towards anarchy.  But optimistically, without norms, society as we know it would change radically for the better, or so postulates my theory. If everyone adhered to the "you can swing your fist so long as it doesn't hit my nose" philosophy, I'd like to think that we'd have a happier healthier, more "zen" like existence.

Okay, this is turning into a run away thought. I digress. Back to normalcy and how being yourself above everything else is admirable!  I got my brother-in-law a children's book for Christmas in the How do Dinosaurs...? series.  It's a collection of books that basically socializes children and introduces them to the very identity stripping normative behaviors that I complained about earlier.  I gave him this book as a reminder of a conversation we once had.  The conversation was about his struggle to find the courage to be an individual, even if that individuality doesn't fit conventional norms.  My brother-in-law is also an Iraq vet and he too has transitioned out of an organization where individuality and non-normative behavior are not valued.  The transition has been difficult and I am glad that he has crazy me and my crazy sister here to remind him that non-normal is where it's at! Look, I'm no President Harding, but folks, don't compromise yourself just because society tells you to. Live with courage and intention; be an individual.

love: an incurable disease, or maybe an innate trait that manifests in unusual forms

Actively, I am trying not to fall in love ever again.  Never again. The only way I can "return to normalcy" is to pretend you (there have been few) have met your death, your ultimate demise, vanished from this earth. The other remedy is to simply recognize that I have a disease.  "Watch out cupid struck me with a sickness, pull out your little arrows and let me live my life." I wish I had written those words.

Love is sickness. Anyone have the virus?


Music video by Saves the Day performing Deranged & Desperate. (C) 2011 Razor & Tie Direct, LLC


Official Music Video for "Sick Muse", from the album FANTASIES 2009 Metric Productions http://www.ilovemetric.com video by Justin Broadbent and Michael Leach (HotDogGarbage) http://hotdoggarbage.com 

Come to think of it, I just might have the cure, I just may. Materialism and destruction (posts to come on these topics). Bubble wrap and a shiny new dress, big sunglasses, loud music. There's comfort is destroying things, there's comfort is movement. DANCE. DANCE. DANCE.

Update 1/3/12- So today was the perfect day to listen to Dawes; sunny and cold, lots of work to do.


Remember I don't own this content, it's from "North Hills" by Dawes (2009)

Anyway, this song, specifically the lyric "you might be loves reminder, but love is all I am" got me ah-thinking.  What if "love" is an innate trait that comes in varying degrees of intensity and some people have so much of it that it fills their entire being, where as others cannot feel it at all?  That would explain a lot.  It sure make coping with loses easier.  What if everyone I have ever loved, their memory binding to my skin like super glue, painful to rip apart, are simply reminder of this trait that I have called love?  I sure like that idea.  It means that I have some control, no that's the wrong word, some ownership of where my love manifests, but I can still accept that "love is not convenient, it does not cease at your command."


Those are my thoughts!  I have many more, mostly about materialism and destruction, but I will save those for another post.