I'm afraid, as the Fruit Bats said, "if I live to long I will die." So, let's shake things up. I have been berated for decades by holidays I don't care about. I'm sure you have too. Most holidays bemuse me, at best. So, I've taken the liberty to amend, reassign, and flat-out create new holidays. Please, feel free to note these in your datebook. I will be celebrating them in the coming year's time. I am also open to further suggestions.
Dec 31- is no longer "New Year's Eve," on my calendar years mean nothing, and staying up all night to "ring in the new year" is no great feat, Dec 31st is now National Insomniacs Appreciation Day.
Jan 1/March and April- New Years Day, along with Lent, require sort of resolution bullshit, do something or give something up to make yourself a better person. B.S. All we are is all we DO; you can't change anything unless you do something and do it with passion and spontaneity. Take this day to ACTUALLY do something, something that you have never done before. It doesn't have to make you better, heck it can even make you worse. Whatever it does, just do it and you will be celebrating Combating Apathy Action Day.
Feb 2- Who doesn't want to hear the weather forecast by a small fluffy rodent? Groundhog's Day, bitches! Also this holiday gives me an excuse to watch Bill Murry movies. I wish we really could try crappy days over and over again until we got them right.
Feb 14- Not really a big fan of stuffy romance, but I do enjoy candy and chocolate, and cartoon greeting cards, and the colors purple, pink, and red, so we have a problem. Hmm. I've got it, as inspired by those Whitman's samplers and the people I RESPECT most in my life, I present to you Random Act of Kindness Involving Sugar and Someone You Genuinely Respect Day. So show then that you respect them, how ever you do that is up to you.
Feb 28- Thank you IHOP, for the best marketing ploy ever. Free Pancake Day ought to be extended to all pancake/breakfast eateries.
Mar 17- Let's not lie, I'm not Irish, you're not Irish (1/15th % does not count). And since I don't drink, Green Beer has no appeal. But boy am I a fan of corned beef and cabbage. So, St. Patrick's day is turning into International Favorite Food/Beverage Day, do with it what you must.
March 31st- Opposite Day/Opposite of Earth Hour, do it! You know that you have wanted to ever since you learned about opposite day, most likely from the pages of Dr. Seuss. Let it burn, all of it. Turn on every light and blast your music to full volume when it's dark out, sleep when it's light, eat breakfast for dinner, charge the grocery store for your groceries, walk backwards, etc.
April- Take Your Daughter to Work Day, see picture below. It stays, no changes made. Thanks mom and Dave for taking me every year throughout my childhood. Now, next holiday, Easter will be known hence forward as Fill Your Basket With As Much Candy As Possible Day. I couldn't care less about your dead "savior's" resurrection. Easter has been and always will be about dominating at finding hidden sugary confections and rubbing it in others' faces (where there is sugar, I will find it, all of it, and that's saying something because I am usually dressed in the frilliest thing possible, wearing the most uncomfortable shoes). Oh, it's also about getting angry at you brother because he saw a giant semi-invisible rabbit using our toilet, and didn't think to call you so you could see too. Aggression, punching, and competitiveness are encouraged.
May 16- Speaking of punching, Frenemies Day is a the one day a year when punching someone in the face just because they annoy you is acceptable, and you don't have to worry about anyone pressing legal charges. So go, tell them off, that's one less shitty person in your life!
May 31st- Also happens to be my birthday, and for reasons to complicated to explain, I am usually angry on my birthday, so let's participate in Break and Smash Things Day and then eat some cake and ice cream after. You know that you have bunch of glass bottles, old cars, ugly mementos, and random shit you can throw to the hard ground or take a baseball bat to. Think of this as a controlled mini riot.
July 4- There are somethings in life that I wasn't fond of as a child, but now that I have grown, I relish these things, like spicy food and reading, AND FIREWORKS! Truthfully, I enjoy anything that requires fire and destruction. Jolly good fun. No changes made here. In the States, patriotism means keeping the cops and fire department busy on national holidays. Also, I rather enjoy seeing a grown man, drunk, stuck in his kid's Hannah Montana lawn chair, shouting about being 'merican.
First Friday in August- Free Skate Night. Check your local rink or roller derby practice space.
Early September- the first day of school was always my favorite-- new outfit, breakfast at I-HOP, new teacher, new friends, new backpack, and a free card to be as weird and insightful as you possibly could, reinvent yourself. The more you used your imagination and created your own reality, the better school got. Unfortunately this euphoria only lasted until you got that first homework assignment and learned how to procrastinate instead. At any rate, I think one day a year should be devoted to Outlandish Thoughts and Creation of Your Own Reality. As fun as I am sure LSD and other thought provoking aids are, this creativity should stem from your brain, and your brain alone, no drug use, okay.
Oct 31- Two words, candy and costumes. Halloween stays. In fact, I propose a Half Way to Halloween Party in April, oh wait, already done!
Nov 20somethingth- This is the one day a year that I enjoy how crazy my family is. Thanksgiving means deep fried turkey, sitting in the garage in a lawn chair listening to a hokey game on the radio, tipsy gun-wielding, countless trips to the grocery store (usually by atv), and one heck of a wonderful wonderful nap.
Second to last weekend in December- I like Christmas music, and that's about it. I am not a huge fan of the Christian holiday that forces you to recognize one of the most ridiculous religions in modern society and masks it with mass consumption (does anyone else see a pattern...cough, Easter, cough). So, I'd much rather be Winter Camping, far far away from people and society.
Call in Sick Day- any day, everyone get's at least one get-out-of-jail-free card. And heck, if you're good at it, you can swing missing 29 days of spring semester your junior year of high school. Ha, how I finagled that is a mystery.
Offloading Hour- Anytime! Pause Time, Erase People if you wish, and for crying out loud, DO SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T HAD THE BALLS TO BEFORE, something that requires obnoxious protection gear, that leaves your body sore and voice hoarse the next morning. This holiday has been inspired by the cartoon show Rupert
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