regret

regret: : to mourn the loss or death of, to miss very much, to be very sorry for


I have many regrets I have in life, just opportunities I wished I had explored more.  I am not particularly mournful about missing these opportunities, just a touch disappointed. I mean, what if I had had the courage enough to pull myself out of the solid gray misery that I wear like a Kevlar vest, impermeable to humanity's crap.  I would have moved on a long time ago, forgotten your face in time to do what I should have been doing all along.  I would have gone to Henry Rollins and Mayhem Fest, I would have fucked (sorry for my vulgarity) that guy who works at the pharmacy, I would have started skating a lot sooner, I would have fly fished in the Boise River, I would have gone to more toastmasters club meetings and eaten a fuck load of macaroni n cheese, I would have DDed for Gill during Jaialdi and laughed at all the elated drunk people, I would have learned to square dance, I would have slashed your tires. Hummm, I did do quite a few of these things, but I did them while wearing my Kevlar vest, I did them dead on the outside, broken on the in.

Reflecting on this, insomnia has overcome me.  It's one of those nights where sleep has eluded every part of my being. I am antsy. My big sister is kind enough to sit up and she's keeping me company. Oh how she loves me! I mean, I could clearly see she is struggling to stay awake and yet she insists. Were sitting on the couch, the flickering light of a movie freckles our faces.  Now the credits are rolling, and I hug my knees to my chest, proclaiming with a yawn, "so this is it then? I vow never again to date a soul-sucking un-motivate jackass. THIS time I mean it."  Being the supportive sister she is, Alby just laughs, shakes her head, and sleepily says, "right, Monique."  I have a feeling she's being facetious.  I suppose I still have a lot of un-motivated jackasses (not saying that that's all you were to me, but in this moment that's how it seems) to go through in life. eff. and here I thought I already had my share. oh good gawd and to think that I've got a date with a tattoo artist later this week. but really, double eff.  I can see the truth of it all now. can I say triple eff? yup. triple eff! Next time I'll be sure to take off the Kevlar and make do and mend.  Inspired, I made a playlist before I doze off on the couch.  It's entitled "The Shit We Call Love":

0. "I Am Always the One Who Calls" Pedro the Lion 
1. "Blankest Year" Nada Surf
2. "What If" ColdPlay
3. "Roulette" System of a Down
4. "Self Esteem" Offspring
5. "Let's Go To Bed" The Cure
6. "Oildale (Leave Me Alone)" Korn (don't judge...I needed an angry song and this is the one I came up with)
7. "Keep My Picture!" Horrorpops
8. "Honest Goodbye" Bad Religion
9. "The Film Did Not Go Round" Nada Surf
10. "Old Friend" Rancid
11. "What If I Knew" Dino Jr
12. "Listen to My Heart" The Ramones
13. "Starting Now" Ingrid Michaelson
14. "Either Way" Wilco

14 1/2. "Must Be Wrong" The Rentals