servile

servile: having or showing an excessive willingness to serve or please others

I think some folks (mostly fatherless women, in my not so humble opinion) are conditioned to be servile. Motivated by a fear of abandonment, they equate or at least correlate doing with receiving. There exists this inner dialog, "If I give, I will get."  And yet life is unfair; we don't live in a tit-for-tat world.  These lessons can be known, but not learned for most.  Perhaps, myself included.

That being said, I've been sitting on these poems for awhile now. Timid to share them, I decided first to read one to my sister.  She cried.  So, now seems like the time.  They come from not only my own experiences, but also those of my sister's, my mother's, my grandmother's, my girlfriends, and from the women authors and comics I've grown to love and loathe for their own honesty.  Now I give you mine.

--

Evolution of a Whore

I would have loved, I would have grown
I would have listened, I would have respected 
I would have held your hand, I would have kissed your lips
I would have been there, I would have missed it
I would have driven far, I would have been late
I would have talked, I would have learned
I would have helped, I would have believed
I would have moved to Maine, I would have tried to understand
I would have trusted, I would have let go
I would have had patience, I would have settled for less
I would have inked, I would have entertained
I would have married, I would have dressed our babies in superhero Halloween costumes
For you, I would have
But now I dress in sluty costumes, and let you fuck me in the ass
I've change, I've compromised myself and reshaped my desire for you
You could have, but I already did
If only you had been there for me, sober, unconditionally
If only you had been there for me bravely, honestly
If only you hadn't gotten drunk and high, hit me, buried me, ignored me, tormented me
If only you hadn't cheated on me, cheated off me, fooled me, disrespected me, given up on me, underestimated me
If only, I would have

--

Ferris Wheel

ferris wheels are funny
romanticized, honey
sitting on that swinging bench
to your biceps, I did clench
your face was elated
too soon to be berated
skin dotted with freckles
too thin for my sarcastic heckles
love is like g-force
it runs a rampant, intense course
not listening to my instructions
you threw up after that ride with all the suction
spinning round and round
your weakness, I did found
your hypocrisy was blind
when a stranger commented in the ticket line
"you two make such a cute couple"
If only I'd known I was looking for something more supple
no longer will I give out
my benefit of the doubt
without courage to pay the cost
it's your big fucking loss

--

To every fatherless woman that has ever had her heart broken, keep giving. You may never get, but you are beautiful for such generosity. Don't shut yourself off, you are the grace that the rest of the world takes advantage of.