road rage

road rage: an aggressive or angry behavior by a driver of an automobile or other motor vehicle. Such behavior might include rude gestures, verbal insults

So, you know how there is a pedestrian's write of way and stop signs and signal lights and safety crap in the States? Well, that doesn't exist here in Ecuador. No, correction, it does, people just don't abide by it.  So it's each man for himself. I walk to school each day and fear for my life when I cross a street.  So, I have decided to write the following...

How to survive on the streets of Ecuador; a guide to driving and being a pedestrian

The faster and more aggressive a driver you are, the more likely you will dominate the road.

Always drive at least 20 mile per hour faster than the speed limit says, if there's even a sign indicating the limit.

There are no such thing as traffic cops. Ha! Ha ha ha. You are so naive.

When on a long trip, going 90 mph and weaving onto the other side of the road makes passengers feel so comfortable that they will nap casually without their seat belt on. True story. My host dad drove this way to their vacation home.  I have never been more scared in my life.  I had my seat belt on, I even tried to buckle a second one over me.  I considered jumping out of the car at one point. So nervous! But my host mom just slept like a baby through the entire thing.

Do not stop...for anything!  If you run over a pig in the middle of the road, just leave it, someone will find it and roast it for dinner. What! Someone is riding a bike, on the street! That is not okay, run them over! Now, do it, now!!

Keeping a fire arm or some sort of weapon in your car is probably a smart idea.

Buy the most sensitive and obnoxiously loud car alarm that you can find.  Make sure that it goes off at least three to four times a night and keeps all your neighbors up.

Pedestrians, you are screwed. You are like Frogger.  Try not to get smooshed.

Be extra strategic about when you choose to cross the road. It is an art. Vehicles will come out of the middle of know where. When you find the right time to cross, run as fast as you can.  Forget about bikes and scooters and skates, etc. the will just get you stranded in between lanes of traffic, shivering with fear.  You may pee your pants.

Holding you mother's hand will do nothing. Save yourself. Go! go! go!

Once you finally master the art of crossing the street...congratulate yourself quickly and discreetly.  There are bigger, badder challenges to come...like round-abouts, and homeless people, and small children who want to sell you gum in the middle of the street

Avoid wearing short skirts. Cat calls...grrrr.

Be carefully what you say to cab drivers/in cabs...they are eager to please cute young Americans. If you find a good driver, get their number.  Tip big and be loyal and you will be rewarded.  I had a cab driver I used every time, we were pals and he had my back, showed me cool places and put up with my crazy when I got myself into a tight spot.  !Muchas gracias por mi Antonio!

Lastly...

Where the fuck do people buy gas here?  I have only seen one station in all this country.